Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Weighing Anchor...

I'm back!
I recently became aware that for some "unknown" rationale I have not moved into my house. I moved here two years ago and have claimed some of it, but for many reasons, I have not unpacked and personalized several rooms.

Most of my life has been spent (Ah ha! - "spent" because, yes, life is currency!) in temporary mode - on the way to something else. I constantly put my life on hold. "My life will be great when I'm a size 6 and have thick, straight hair." "I'll get the right (insert: job, life, man, outfit, body, attention, fame, success, income, etc) when I'm thin. "I can live like this until I get something better."

I felt so rooted to my Ben Lomond home - like many generations of my family had been there before me - even though I'd never seen it prior to buying it in 1999. In 2007 I sold it and bought a home in Folsom so I could have more family time and connection. It was a long, painful decision-making process. I realized that it was more important WHO I was with than WHERE I lived. But part of me hasn't moved here yet.

I now know that I need to have my home in my heart. My roots need to be in my beliefs, not in a place or condition. It's my connection to my beliefs and people I love that enriches my life and gives me joy. So I shifted my image of needing permanent, immovable roots to feel safe and secure. I recognized that I came into this life equipped with an anchor, one that I can cast out wherever I happen to be. My anchor holds me steady and serves me whenever I need it. It's portable and always available. My anchor is my faith that everything I need will come - that I can make my home beautiful and claim my space even if I don't spend the rest of my life here.

As I drifted away from blogging regularly I began to feel the deep sense of having no anchor to hold me safe and steady. I realized that, like my connection to my family and friends, my writing is an anchor for me - it helps me feel safe. I'm feeling safer already...

Monday, August 31, 2009

Senator Kennedy's Passing...

I've been so teary-eyed over the passing of Senator Edward Kennedy. It feels like an important symbol of what America stands for is gone. The public joys and heartbreak of the Kennedy family have reminded us that no amount of personal wealth can guarantee happiness. They have represented the best aspects of family, philanthropy, and service.
My tears feel like such a small thing when what I really want to do is wail, cry, shriek out my anger at this huge loss and take to my bed to grieve. Yet what I will do is cry my tears, feel my sadness, and continue to do my small part - the little bit one person can do to honor their legacy of love and support for Mother Earth and Her inhabitants. Each of us has our own small part to contribute, let's do this together - his death has left an enormous void to fill.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

The Un-Done...

Yea! I feel 500 pounds lighter this beautiful Sunday! Actually, it's probably closer to a ton lighter! That heavy sack of "The Un-Done" has been lightened by the completion of two major projects that have been hanging over my head. It's amazing how the weight of The Un-Done affects my very soul - how I live my day. The Un-Done are heavier than any extra pounds of fat I've carried. They press me down, flat, dull, worried, negative. Nothing can be fully enjoyed within the shadow of the Un-Done.
When I finish something that's been a heavy Un-Done I feel like laughing, singing, dancing - I want to share my joy with the world. I want to have a party and invite everyone to join in my celebration of just how incredible life can be when an Un-Done is now DONE.
Sometimes it's something as simple as a mundane chore that I've finished and can cross off my list. Sometimes, it's something I've avoided for weeks, months, and yes, even years. It doesn't seem to matter how long it's been Un-Done, the overshadowing effect has the same intensity. It's all-consuming, tainting everything I think and feel and do - there lurking in the shadows, dimming the light is the Un-Done.
Today I'm grateful to feel the joy of freedom - removing the Un-Done from the shadows and into the light of completion...

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

God/Goddess' Food...

Body/Mind/Soul: On March 12, 2008 I made a commitment to my mind/soul to finally honor my body. In my past, I limped along thinking if I had the mind/soul part all going on, the body part would just happen. That good ol' magical thinking - I can have what I want without having to DO anything different. I didn't want to acknowledge that I was completely addicted to my eating habits and unwilling to change them.
I (my mind) knew all the rules of healthy eating - how to get a healthy body and maintain it. There was nothing I hadn't tried - no diet, no pill, no exercise plan - and no amount of money I hadn't spent in search of a right size body. I spent years agonizing about my weight and all of my physical defects. I constantly put my life on hold - "when I lose this weight I'll (fill in the blank)". I avoided life because I was too fat to enjoy it.
Since March 12, 2007 I have lost 60+ pounds and am in a right size body with a healthy relationship to food. My life has changed dramatically and I'm healthier than when I was 25! I only eat "God/Goddess' food" now. If it grows as God made it, it's OK. If it's a result of human interference, avoid it. There are a few more rules I follow, but just a few. This is a lifestyle change that has been simple (not always easy) - just simple. Simple foods become simply delicious when you remove all of the man-made "enhancements".
The thing that I heard deep in my soul that completely opened me up to the possibility that I could choose to make a difference in my eating was a simple prayer someone shared with me. It shed light on my thinking and cleared the way for me to step into a new way of thinking, being, acting, living. I'll share that prayer with you and maybe you will hear it, too.
"God, please set aside everything I think I know for an open mind and a new experience." I became willing...

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Energy connections...

I am not self sufficient - I need others. I feel most alive when I experience deep connection to others. I AM love when I'm connected. I'm not saying I need to always be with others - I need my alone time to re energize - and the truth is that when I am conscious and aware, authentic, genuinely me, I can be with someone(s) AND feel that energy flow. It is an energy exchange - a circle of energy that keeps recharging itself.
I can also be with someone who is an energy 'thief" and drains my energy. Wait! Did I just say that they drain my energy? Urgh! What I really mean is that I give my energy to them! That's not an energy exchange connection. It's one way - to them. You know how you just feel tired after being with certain people? Well, I try to keep my interaction with that type to a minimum - they're a rapid drain on my energetic battery. I know people whom I consider to be the heavy weight champs of energy sucking! After a little time with them I feel like I've gone 15 rounds and it's a TKO because I need a nap and some quiet time.
My loving gift to me is to encourage friendships with energy EXCHANGERS and minimize interactions with energy THIEVES. What a simple formula - not always easy, definitely simple...

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Just say yes...

Yes, we are Miracle Makers! Every thought connects us to the Infinite Intelligence - The Universe. Our body/mind connection means that every thought has a mirror thought within our bodies - so we can make our thoughts real in our lives.
I prove this every time I make a choice to change my perception and suddenly become aware of a lightening, a feeling of deep contentment where there was dissatisfaction or chaos previously. We make miracles with our visions and thoughts. This has brought me to a place deep inside me - a knowing that has no logic or reason to support it but is real none the less. My intention is to bring my purpose to me, to stop grasping for it, and let it come to me. How simple, how profound, how real is my amazement at this subtle shift in my vibration. Yes, I will vibrate at the frequency I wish to attract to me. "It" recognizes me and we share the joy and dance together...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

It's about taking action...

I feel ready to start my work week - without dread! I spent my entire weekend working on all of the paperwork necessary to file my taxes from the past three years. It's complicated stuff for two of the years, so 2008 felt like a comparative breeze. I feel so much lighter now that I'm ready to take all of the data to a tax person and be legal again.
I've NEVER missed a tax deadline - that is until I decided not to file in 2006. I lost so much money that year and the year before I decided I would file late, then 2007 passed with another negative cash flow year and it seemed like too much trouble to do TWO years' worth. After 2008 passed and I blithely skipped filing, it became a heavy burden that troubled me, but seemed like an insurmountable task.
Well, the state missed my tax return and sent me a notice (a reminder that I'd been a good little tax filer in the past - was there something wrong?) and a deadline for 2006/2007. Shortly thereafter the feds found me too. Now I was faced with a decision - hide out and hope they didn't come knocking on my door or face up to my own stuff. I've spent a lot of my life looking for geographical cures for what's ailing me. Unfortunately, no matter where I ended up, there I was - still me so running was not an option. I decided to make a stand and tackle the stacks of receipts. It took the most part of three days (1 Saturday and two Sundays) to get everything organized and the numbers calculated, but I finished up at 4:30 today and feel great!
Like many things in my life, when I take action things take a positive turn. If I sit around waiting to be motivated to DO something, I live in my head and can create millions of reasons (really good ones!) about why now is not a good time. Motivation comes after I've taken action. My prayer is to be willing to take action...

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Flat, middle ground...

I'm in that flat middle ground between exciting and awful and it's very uncomfortable for me. I keep thinking "I'm bored", "my life is boring", "I'm getting old" - all the old tapes that drove me into acting out my addictive behaviors. You know the kind - where I do and feel, too much of everything - eating, drinking, speeding, shopping, working, flirting, sadness, depression, reading, movies, TV - you name it and I've either done it or thought about doing it. It's all about keeping me away from feeling what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.
Now that I'm living in the present with conscious purposeful intention, I'm aware of this feeling and remember what I used to do to chase it away. For the most part my old habits are in the past. Now when I feel the urge to "DO" something I know it's because I'm trying my best to "AVOID" something.
Uh oh, time to dive down into me and shed some light on whatever is lurking there urging me to act out in destructive ways. I'm so grateful that today I can shine the light of love on that shadow part of me - that little 2 year old who still rules me at times. Would I be angry at a little toddler who couldn't control herself without guidance? No - I'd love and guide her. I'd ask others who are experienced how they would help guide this child and show her love.
I have tools and support now to guide me and my little one lovingly through the flat, middle ground. My quest is to continue to grow up and my guiding question remains "What would a mature, healthy adult do in this matter?" Sometimes I know and can imitate what a grown up would do. Sometimes I have to ask others and learn from their experience - thank you HP that I CAN learn from others' experiences now - I don't know it all anymore, nor do I have to do it all and learn everything from my own personal bad choices! Whew! Perspective from the flat, middle ground is definitely clearer...

Monday, August 3, 2009

Accepting how we love...

I'm back into contemplating how I live my life alternating between "F"ear and "F"aith. I had my Grandson's 10th birthday party yesterday - a mix of families including in-laws. I love all of the preparation and hosting a party - it brings me such joy. I'm always exhausted physically but energetically charged after everyone leaves. This is the time I decompress - going over every nuance of who said what and the things that made me smile, or even better, laugh out loud. I feel such incredible love and these events rarely fail to feed my soul with that all-nurturing connection with others - especially those I love the most.
They also remind me of how I love. My need to feel deep connection with others often leaves me feeling disappointed - why can't he/she love me the way I want him/her to? Why can't I get back what I so lovingly offer? Although my inner wisdom guides me to fill my soul with my connection to my HP, I still occasionally lapse into my "F"ear mode and turn my back on "F"aith. I think those dark thoughts of lack, not enough, I'll never get enough love, nobody will ever love me the way I want to be loved, etc. Those shadow feelings can overwhelm me so I've learned that my best tool against this shadow is to choose to move out of my head where these thoughts reside and into my heart where I know for certain that my love is my gift and I can give it freely - it will always be returned. When I choose to accept love as it is given to me - regardless of what I think I want - just accept it - it grows, becomes fuller, more satisfying and a gift I can receive from others.
It's true that love is the only thing we have that the more we give it away the bigger it gets. For today, I will give love and accept love without judgement. Open my heart and my arms and let it out and let it in "F"aithfully...

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Change...

It's a beautiful morning and I'm present for it - what a blessing! I feel a deep sense of purpose, gratitude and love. This is the place I love to live, the place I want to reside all the time - confident, tuned into a Higher sense of Self with the certainty that it doesn't matter what I experience, it will change. The great stuff changes and so does the awful stuff.
I'm dedicating my day to CHANGE - thanking The Universe that all things change and embracing that change with the Faith that God/Goddess always wants the best for me...

Friday, July 31, 2009

Honesty...

Yippee it's Friday! My work ethic has been pretty good this week at my J-O-B so I feel like I've earned my feelings of joy that it's Friday. So much richer that way.
I've been learning lessons in honesty pretty intensely this week. Not cash register honesty, but the real, scary kind - down deep honesty with myself. Honesty about my thoughts, behaviors, ideas, relationships, and communication. This is the kind of honesty where you do the right thing even when nobody is watching - just you and HP.
With honesty comes the definition of the difference between doing things right and doing the right thing. I ask HP's guidance to do the right thing - take the next right action in all matters. Remembering that I'm ultimately answerable for my own honesty with myself and others also keeps me aware of the subtleties between telling the truth and being honest. As a master manipulator of the truth, believe me when I say that I KNOW the difference between truth and honesty. Truth comes from our heads and honesty comes from our hearts. The truth can be manipulated, omitted, or altered to suit my needs. Honesty cannot. Honesty is being alone - just me and God/Goddess and knowing that I'm revealing everything - holding nothing back - honest, essential, real, genuine, authentic. How brave we are when we're honest...

Thursday, July 30, 2009

From here to there...

I’m in my office wrapping up my work day and wishing I were on a beautiful sail boat gliding along loving the cool spray. I can feel the movement and the wind blowing against me.

I’ve always thought it would be heavenly to live on a boat – to feel the gentle movement of floating on the water. It fills my soul – just the thought of it brings a smile to my face.

How to get there from here – how to make it real is my question today…

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Data Dump...

Today my brain has hit maximum capacity – I’m on input overload. When this happens, it’s almost impossible for me to be calm, reasonable, and productive. My mind just jumps from one thing I “should” do to another that I “need” to do, to something else I “have” to remember, to the one thing I can’t forget! It’s like a short circuit that jumps unpredictably from thought to thought – chaos in action.
When this happens my solution is what I call my Data Dump. I take a tablet and pen (it flows easier than a pencil on paper) and I sit down in a quiet space and start writing my list of things. All of the stuff that’s floating around in my brain keeping it busy. I list EVERYTHING I think I need to do, should do, have to do, want to do, want to remember, fantasize about doing. The list is sometimes pages long and totally uncensored. There’s no rhyme or reason to most of it, it’s just up there – random ideas, plans, wishes, hopes, dreams, things I want to say, things I want to write, things I want to tell someone, and let’s not forget all of the “shoulds”.
After all of the writing, I let it set for several hours then read it and begin organizing it into categories loosely representing goals with a timeline: personal/professional, now, within a few months, within a year, within several years, IMPOSSIBLE - DISCARD! This is my way of cleaning my idea bin – clearing out what isn’t useful and organizing what is. It’s like lifting a heavy weight from my body/mind/spirit. I feel lighter, calmer, more directed and productive – better able to live with purpose instead of just passing time here on the earth plane. It also frees up space for more creativity, more wonderful, amazing ideas and thoughts (some of which will become future Data Dump entries:>)).
These are the things I want to remember. There are also things I want to forget, but that’s another blog post arriving soon…

Monday, July 27, 2009

Dream Hangover...

It's Monday morning and the alarm jerked me out of a dream during an intense emotional reaction and it's hard to shake the feelings - a dream hangover. It's one of the reasons I hate the alarm clock.
Monday mornings mean the beginning of another work week - ugh! My weekends are so relaxed and carefree until Sunday, (guess that means my weekends consist of Saturday?) then, like the shark-warning music in "Jaws" my work week begins to impose itself. Thoughts of my J-O-B push aside my relaxed freedom like a school yard bully. "It's almost Monday". "It's closer to Monday". "I'd better get ready for bed so I can get enough sleep to make it through Monday". "If I don't get relaxed enough to sleep well I'll be tired all day Monday and that'll start the lack-of-sleep cycle for the week." I've played these tapes in my head for so many years you'd think they'd be worn out by now, but they're as strong as ever.
Most Sundays I ask to accept that Monday is just another day. I don't want to think of Monday as the monster under my bed or in the closet. Some Sundays I can accept and enjoy my weekend in full. Some Sundays I don't know I'm thinking about Monday until Monday morning when I realize I feel robbed of my weekend. The thing is - I want more weekend! Just like I want more, more, more of many things in my life, I want more weekend. I want the weekend feeling to last all week - a week full of weekend.
I need reminders - visual or auditory triggers - to help me stay aware and conscious or I drift off into my auto-pilot and forget to remember that I can choose. I think I'll put signs up around my house to remind me to breathe and feel the joy in my life EVERY day, not just weekends.
How can I have a week full of weekend? I'm still working on that one and fortunately, I know it's my choice...

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Sleep, wonderful sleep...

I've never been a very good morning person. At times my only motivation for getting out of my bed is that if I stay too long I won't be able to sleep that night. You see, for the past 15+ years I have not slept well. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed and rested. There have been no small number of reasons why I don't sleep well and I've tried treating them with drugs, supplements, meditation, different beds and mattresses, and sheer will. Nothing has solved my poor sleep long term.
I have found the cure for my insomnia, however! It's the third night. If I have insomnia for two nights, by the third I'm so exhausted that I sleep. Maybe that's the problem: although I feel tired, I'm not tired enough to get restful sleep. Who knows? Restful sleep seems to be illusive for me, but, like many things I want, I keep praying for it.
For me, one of the most luxurious things in life is a nap. I love the feeling of giving in to that sleepy, dozy self who wants to curl up with her pillow and blanket and enter dreamland. My ideal life would include an afternoon siesta from which I could awaken refreshed and ready to do my 2nd daily installment of life. My life partner beside me would be exquisite, too. What a lovely way to live. I'm asking The Universe/God/Goddess - starting today...

Monday, July 20, 2009

The "M" word...

Ever a black and white thinker and doer, the "M" word, "M"oderation is like a foreign language to me. I can recite many old maxims about "M"oderation: "progress, not perfection", "easy does it", "a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step", etc., but actually living them seems like dwelling in a foreign land with customs that are completely unfamiliar to me. Like learning anything new, it takes practice (which puts the "M" word to work) but I'm hard pressed to step out of the notion that I want it all and I want it now!
A friend shared something with me once. She said she stopped asking for patience because she didn't want any more situations that required her to learn patience. If she asked for patience, The Universe would continue to give her opportunities that would require her to BE patient and she was sick of it.
That's a little how I feel about the "M" word right now. "M"oderation is not the adrenaline rush of High or Low. It's that boring place in between. It's new territory and needs to be explored. "M"oderation requires me to practice principles like, enough, some, a little, partial - such challenges to my feelings of ALL, NOW, NO, MORE/MORE/MORE! You see, I can say "NO", but I'm challenged about saying "no more - enough".
Today I'm practicing "M"oderation: enough is just right - who needs ALL or NOTHING? Certainly not me. Today I will do what's on my list of things to do, keep my committments to myself and others and give up the struggle. I'm defining "M"oderation as: no more wrestling with HP over who's in charge...

Saturday, July 18, 2009

The "F" word...

I love the weekends. No alarm clock. A sense of freedom from obligations. What does this tell me about Monday - Friday? Well, mostly that I'm not living the life I'm desiring to live. I'm still working at a job (J-O-B) that doesn't make my heart soar. I want to wake up every morning with the feeling that I'm living my purpose - fulfilling my reason for being here.
The income from the job is necessary for me to pay the bills, but there's still a big elephant in the room that I'm pretending to ignore. The problem with pretending to ignore something means that it's weighing down my every minute with a heaviness, a sense of guilt, and the big "F" word - FEAR.
When I let go of the fear and have FAITH, my life gets so much better - miracles happen every day. Miracles like living here and now, being consiously aware of my feelings, speaking my truth, living my purpose, sensitivity towards others that takes the focus off the big "F" word - fear. Today I'm working on reframing my big "F" word from fear to "F"AITH and asking for reminders to stay real...

Friday, July 17, 2009

Still teachable...

Thank you HP for giving me exactly what I've been requesting! OK, now I get it - I've been in my head (where I should not be allowed unescorted!) and thinking in my "always" and "never" terms.
Yesterday and this morning I was reminded that I attract what I think so if I want something different I have to think in a different way - speak in a different way - feel in a different way. I'm grateful that it took a mere pang of disappointment to bring me to this awareness - the pang and the observation of my wise sponsor. She hears me with the clarity of love - hears what lies underneath, what I hide from myself.
It's my choice. I can think, speak, act in ways that shift away from the old tapes and and create new ones - those that serve my goal of living my purpose. I'm so excited! I get to do some creative thinking - connecting my heart and my head - busy teaching myself to reframe my thoughts and feel the vision of me as the person I want to be. The journey is not as long as it was...

Thursday, July 16, 2009

My GPS...

When I'm in my head I think in terms of "always" and "never". Why does this ALWAYS happen? Things will NEVER change. When I'm in my heart I KNOW the only thing that is permanent is - is - is - LOVE. Love is an action, love is a memory, love always (yes, ALWAYS) results in more love. Love is not blind, love sees the truth and loves anyway.
Here's the trick to this: things rarely come to us in the package we're expecting. Ahhhh, there's the word that brings me from my heart jolting back into my head - expect (...ing, ...ations,...ed). Who, me, with expectations? Never! Well...? How many times have I finally been aware of my underlying feelings of expectation AFTER I've experienced my disappointment because "it"(they, he, she) wasn't what I expected?
My Higher Self desires to go through life taking the High Road - never (there's that word again!) expecting specific outcomes, always (yes, those head words define what I expect of my Higher Self, too) trusting that HP will take care of me.
Life in my reality lane, however, can sometimes be confusing - not always certain what direction to take, or even where I'm going. I came equipped with my own internal GPS (God Powered Self), but I forget to use her. The good news is that I can ask her for directions and she will never fail me. My GPS is always available, ready, willing and even happy to help. So in my most head-filled times I try to remember to use my GPS and gently drift back into my heart, where love resides. Today, I will ask to be reminded to remember...

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Two steps forward, one step back...

Why is it that when I've made progress in my ever evolving life, I must (MUST!) find some way to push back? When I feel the satisfaction of success my evil twin emerges and begins thinking she's the one in control. I know in my head, and mostly feel in my heart, that I'm NOT in control - that someone/something more powerful than a mere human is in charge, but I want to grab that illusion of control like an angry two year old and say "I can do it myself!". God/Goddess, Higher Power, please help me to remember that I am a tool for Your work here on earth and that I'm blessed with a Life Purpose that I want to live every day. I'm here to heal and communicate with love. My purpose applies to myself as well as others - instead of being angry with my two year old, I need to embrace her and gently nurture her when she wants to be in control of things. I thank God every day that I'm NOT in control because my life is chaos during the times when I just THINK I'm in control - imagine what havoc I could create if it was truly my will --- ooooooooo, scary thought, huh? You have no idea...

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The beginning of a life's dream...

I can't believe I'm actually doing this! I've dreamed of writing since I told my first story as a child.

In the past I turned to writing as therapy only when I was in an incredibly painful place in my life. I knew writing clarified, eased me into catharsis, made the pain more tolerable so I wouldn't use whatever I could get my hands on (food, men, alcohol, drugs, novels, movies, shopping - all THOSE distractions!) to anesthetize myself. It helped me breathe out the pain, stand in the circle of fire and diffuse it instead of avoiding it. What a powerful tool - putting pen to paper! I hope I can achieve the same level of honesty and clarity at the keyboard and in the "every day" of my life. We shall see...