Honesty...

Yippee it's Friday! My work ethic has been pretty good this week at my J-O-B so I feel like I've earned my feelings of joy that it's Friday. So much richer that way.
I've been learning lessons in honesty pretty intensely this week. Not cash register honesty, but the real, scary kind - down deep honesty with myself. Honesty about my thoughts, behaviors, ideas, relationships, and communication. This is the kind of honesty where you do the right thing even when nobody is watching - just you and HP.
With honesty comes the definition of the difference between doing things right and doing the right thing. I ask HP's guidance to do the right thing - take the next right action in all matters. Remembering that I'm ultimately answerable for my own honesty with myself and others also keeps me aware of the subtleties between telling the truth and being honest. As a master manipulator of the truth, believe me when I say that I KNOW the difference between truth and honesty. Truth comes from our heads and honesty comes from our hearts. The truth can be manipulated, omitted, or altered to suit my needs. Honesty cannot. Honesty is being alone - just me and God/Goddess and knowing that I'm revealing everything - holding nothing back - honest, essential, real, genuine, authentic. How brave we are when we're honest...

From here to there...

I’m in my office wrapping up my work day and wishing I were on a beautiful sail boat gliding along loving the cool spray. I can feel the movement and the wind blowing against me.

I’ve always thought it would be heavenly to live on a boat – to feel the gentle movement of floating on the water. It fills my soul – just the thought of it brings a smile to my face.

How to get there from here – how to make it real is my question today…

Data Dump...

Today my brain has hit maximum capacity – I’m on input overload. When this happens, it’s almost impossible for me to be calm, reasonable, and productive. My mind just jumps from one thing I “should” do to another that I “need” to do, to something else I “have” to remember, to the one thing I can’t forget! It’s like a short circuit that jumps unpredictably from thought to thought – chaos in action.
When this happens my solution is what I call my Data Dump. I take a tablet and pen (it flows easier than a pencil on paper) and I sit down in a quiet space and start writing my list of things. All of the stuff that’s floating around in my brain keeping it busy. I list EVERYTHING I think I need to do, should do, have to do, want to do, want to remember, fantasize about doing. The list is sometimes pages long and totally uncensored. There’s no rhyme or reason to most of it, it’s just up there – random ideas, plans, wishes, hopes, dreams, things I want to say, things I want to write, things I want to tell someone, and let’s not forget all of the “shoulds”.
After all of the writing, I let it set for several hours then read it and begin organizing it into categories loosely representing goals with a timeline: personal/professional, now, within a few months, within a year, within several years, IMPOSSIBLE - DISCARD! This is my way of cleaning my idea bin – clearing out what isn’t useful and organizing what is. It’s like lifting a heavy weight from my body/mind/spirit. I feel lighter, calmer, more directed and productive – better able to live with purpose instead of just passing time here on the earth plane. It also frees up space for more creativity, more wonderful, amazing ideas and thoughts (some of which will become future Data Dump entries:>)).
These are the things I want to remember. There are also things I want to forget, but that’s another blog post arriving soon…

Dream Hangover...

It's Monday morning and the alarm jerked me out of a dream during an intense emotional reaction and it's hard to shake the feelings - a dream hangover. It's one of the reasons I hate the alarm clock.
Monday mornings mean the beginning of another work week - ugh! My weekends are so relaxed and carefree until Sunday, (guess that means my weekends consist of Saturday?) then, like the shark-warning music in "Jaws" my work week begins to impose itself. Thoughts of my J-O-B push aside my relaxed freedom like a school yard bully. "It's almost Monday". "It's closer to Monday". "I'd better get ready for bed so I can get enough sleep to make it through Monday". "If I don't get relaxed enough to sleep well I'll be tired all day Monday and that'll start the lack-of-sleep cycle for the week." I've played these tapes in my head for so many years you'd think they'd be worn out by now, but they're as strong as ever.
Most Sundays I ask to accept that Monday is just another day. I don't want to think of Monday as the monster under my bed or in the closet. Some Sundays I can accept and enjoy my weekend in full. Some Sundays I don't know I'm thinking about Monday until Monday morning when I realize I feel robbed of my weekend. The thing is - I want more weekend! Just like I want more, more, more of many things in my life, I want more weekend. I want the weekend feeling to last all week - a week full of weekend.
I need reminders - visual or auditory triggers - to help me stay aware and conscious or I drift off into my auto-pilot and forget to remember that I can choose. I think I'll put signs up around my house to remind me to breathe and feel the joy in my life EVERY day, not just weekends.
How can I have a week full of weekend? I'm still working on that one and fortunately, I know it's my choice...

Sleep, wonderful sleep...

I've never been a very good morning person. At times my only motivation for getting out of my bed is that if I stay too long I won't be able to sleep that night. You see, for the past 15+ years I have not slept well. I rarely wake up feeling refreshed and rested. There have been no small number of reasons why I don't sleep well and I've tried treating them with drugs, supplements, meditation, different beds and mattresses, and sheer will. Nothing has solved my poor sleep long term.
I have found the cure for my insomnia, however! It's the third night. If I have insomnia for two nights, by the third I'm so exhausted that I sleep. Maybe that's the problem: although I feel tired, I'm not tired enough to get restful sleep. Who knows? Restful sleep seems to be illusive for me, but, like many things I want, I keep praying for it.
For me, one of the most luxurious things in life is a nap. I love the feeling of giving in to that sleepy, dozy self who wants to curl up with her pillow and blanket and enter dreamland. My ideal life would include an afternoon siesta from which I could awaken refreshed and ready to do my 2nd daily installment of life. My life partner beside me would be exquisite, too. What a lovely way to live. I'm asking The Universe/God/Goddess - starting today...

The "M" word...

Ever a black and white thinker and doer, the "M" word, "M"oderation is like a foreign language to me. I can recite many old maxims about "M"oderation: "progress, not perfection", "easy does it", "a journey of a 1000 miles begins with a single step", etc., but actually living them seems like dwelling in a foreign land with customs that are completely unfamiliar to me. Like learning anything new, it takes practice (which puts the "M" word to work) but I'm hard pressed to step out of the notion that I want it all and I want it now!
A friend shared something with me once. She said she stopped asking for patience because she didn't want any more situations that required her to learn patience. If she asked for patience, The Universe would continue to give her opportunities that would require her to BE patient and she was sick of it.
That's a little how I feel about the "M" word right now. "M"oderation is not the adrenaline rush of High or Low. It's that boring place in between. It's new territory and needs to be explored. "M"oderation requires me to practice principles like, enough, some, a little, partial - such challenges to my feelings of ALL, NOW, NO, MORE/MORE/MORE! You see, I can say "NO", but I'm challenged about saying "no more - enough".
Today I'm practicing "M"oderation: enough is just right - who needs ALL or NOTHING? Certainly not me. Today I will do what's on my list of things to do, keep my committments to myself and others and give up the struggle. I'm defining "M"oderation as: no more wrestling with HP over who's in charge...

The "F" word...

I love the weekends. No alarm clock. A sense of freedom from obligations. What does this tell me about Monday - Friday? Well, mostly that I'm not living the life I'm desiring to live. I'm still working at a job (J-O-B) that doesn't make my heart soar. I want to wake up every morning with the feeling that I'm living my purpose - fulfilling my reason for being here.
The income from the job is necessary for me to pay the bills, but there's still a big elephant in the room that I'm pretending to ignore. The problem with pretending to ignore something means that it's weighing down my every minute with a heaviness, a sense of guilt, and the big "F" word - FEAR.
When I let go of the fear and have FAITH, my life gets so much better - miracles happen every day. Miracles like living here and now, being consiously aware of my feelings, speaking my truth, living my purpose, sensitivity towards others that takes the focus off the big "F" word - fear. Today I'm working on reframing my big "F" word from fear to "F"AITH and asking for reminders to stay real...

Still teachable...

Thank you HP for giving me exactly what I've been requesting! OK, now I get it - I've been in my head (where I should not be allowed unescorted!) and thinking in my "always" and "never" terms.
Yesterday and this morning I was reminded that I attract what I think so if I want something different I have to think in a different way - speak in a different way - feel in a different way. I'm grateful that it took a mere pang of disappointment to bring me to this awareness - the pang and the observation of my wise sponsor. She hears me with the clarity of love - hears what lies underneath, what I hide from myself.
It's my choice. I can think, speak, act in ways that shift away from the old tapes and and create new ones - those that serve my goal of living my purpose. I'm so excited! I get to do some creative thinking - connecting my heart and my head - busy teaching myself to reframe my thoughts and feel the vision of me as the person I want to be. The journey is not as long as it was...

My GPS...

When I'm in my head I think in terms of "always" and "never". Why does this ALWAYS happen? Things will NEVER change. When I'm in my heart I KNOW the only thing that is permanent is - is - is - LOVE. Love is an action, love is a memory, love always (yes, ALWAYS) results in more love. Love is not blind, love sees the truth and loves anyway.
Here's the trick to this: things rarely come to us in the package we're expecting. Ahhhh, there's the word that brings me from my heart jolting back into my head - expect (...ing, ...ations,...ed). Who, me, with expectations? Never! Well...? How many times have I finally been aware of my underlying feelings of expectation AFTER I've experienced my disappointment because "it"(they, he, she) wasn't what I expected?
My Higher Self desires to go through life taking the High Road - never (there's that word again!) expecting specific outcomes, always (yes, those head words define what I expect of my Higher Self, too) trusting that HP will take care of me.
Life in my reality lane, however, can sometimes be confusing - not always certain what direction to take, or even where I'm going. I came equipped with my own internal GPS (God Powered Self), but I forget to use her. The good news is that I can ask her for directions and she will never fail me. My GPS is always available, ready, willing and even happy to help. So in my most head-filled times I try to remember to use my GPS and gently drift back into my heart, where love resides. Today, I will ask to be reminded to remember...

Two steps forward, one step back...

Why is it that when I've made progress in my ever evolving life, I must (MUST!) find some way to push back? When I feel the satisfaction of success my evil twin emerges and begins thinking she's the one in control. I know in my head, and mostly feel in my heart, that I'm NOT in control - that someone/something more powerful than a mere human is in charge, but I want to grab that illusion of control like an angry two year old and say "I can do it myself!". God/Goddess, Higher Power, please help me to remember that I am a tool for Your work here on earth and that I'm blessed with a Life Purpose that I want to live every day. I'm here to heal and communicate with love. My purpose applies to myself as well as others - instead of being angry with my two year old, I need to embrace her and gently nurture her when she wants to be in control of things. I thank God every day that I'm NOT in control because my life is chaos during the times when I just THINK I'm in control - imagine what havoc I could create if it was truly my will --- ooooooooo, scary thought, huh? You have no idea...

The beginning of a life's dream...

I can't believe I'm actually doing this! I've dreamed of writing since I told my first story as a child.

In the past I turned to writing as therapy only when I was in an incredibly painful place in my life. I knew writing clarified, eased me into catharsis, made the pain more tolerable so I wouldn't use whatever I could get my hands on (food, men, alcohol, drugs, novels, movies, shopping - all THOSE distractions!) to anesthetize myself. It helped me breathe out the pain, stand in the circle of fire and diffuse it instead of avoiding it. What a powerful tool - putting pen to paper! I hope I can achieve the same level of honesty and clarity at the keyboard and in the "every day" of my life. We shall see...