Thursday, August 6, 2009

Flat, middle ground...

I'm in that flat middle ground between exciting and awful and it's very uncomfortable for me. I keep thinking "I'm bored", "my life is boring", "I'm getting old" - all the old tapes that drove me into acting out my addictive behaviors. You know the kind - where I do and feel, too much of everything - eating, drinking, speeding, shopping, working, flirting, sadness, depression, reading, movies, TV - you name it and I've either done it or thought about doing it. It's all about keeping me away from feeling what I'm feeling when I'm feeling it.
Now that I'm living in the present with conscious purposeful intention, I'm aware of this feeling and remember what I used to do to chase it away. For the most part my old habits are in the past. Now when I feel the urge to "DO" something I know it's because I'm trying my best to "AVOID" something.
Uh oh, time to dive down into me and shed some light on whatever is lurking there urging me to act out in destructive ways. I'm so grateful that today I can shine the light of love on that shadow part of me - that little 2 year old who still rules me at times. Would I be angry at a little toddler who couldn't control herself without guidance? No - I'd love and guide her. I'd ask others who are experienced how they would help guide this child and show her love.
I have tools and support now to guide me and my little one lovingly through the flat, middle ground. My quest is to continue to grow up and my guiding question remains "What would a mature, healthy adult do in this matter?" Sometimes I know and can imitate what a grown up would do. Sometimes I have to ask others and learn from their experience - thank you HP that I CAN learn from others' experiences now - I don't know it all anymore, nor do I have to do it all and learn everything from my own personal bad choices! Whew! Perspective from the flat, middle ground is definitely clearer...

1 comment:

  1. Great reflections, Toni! The middle ground seems to be a great teacher for you!