Tuesday, May 25, 2010

DD#62: The Unwrapping

I love unwrapping gifts! (Wait - first of all I love receiving gifts, so I guess this is an example of how I can jump past the initial stages and into the excitement of the unwrapping.) So let me back up and start from the beginning.

I love receiving (and giving) gifts. The joy, the excitement, the anticipation, is enhanced by the love I feel for the person giving the gift. It opens my heart to receive something that is a reflection of someone's thoughts and feelings for me. Even though I know there are plenty of people who just buy something to give, the loved ones in my life feel the same way I do about gift giving and receiving. A gift is thoughtful, a symbol of my love for the person. I take my time and creativity into anything I make or purchase for family and friends. I focus on the recipient - our shared time together, my awareness of him/her as an individual, his/her personality, my feelings for him/her. It has to be "just right" and show my appreciation for our connection. So, in my world, gifts are physical expressions of our spiritual/emotional bond. So, imagine the excitement I feel when presented with such a powerful symbol. Of course I can't wait to unwrap it! Could you?

So here's my gift, beautifully wrapped, just waiting to reveal itself to me. I'm imagining all kinds of things about what it will be based upon the size, shape, and weight of the package. The wrapping is beautiful, especially when it's the result of the efforts of your child or grandchild. But what's inside?

Well, receiving and unwrapping a gift is how I perceive the unfolding of romantic relationship. I've asked and have been given the gift of opportunity from the Universe. I can see the size, shape, and weight of this gift, and he's appealing to me. I like the wrapping, but what's inside? 

Now here's where things begin to change. This gift is not to be torn open in excitement without regard to what it may contain. Its contents must be revealed to me slowly, over time. I want to tear into the unwrapping stage before I've honored the gift as a reflection of support for my vision of a loving relationship from the Universe. How loved I feel as I realize how tenderly the Universe has considered me - what I want, what I love, who I am, what I need - before presenting me with this gift. It's the same love and care I use when planning a gift for a loved one. This may not be the perfect gift for me, but I know the Universe will guide me as I carefully unwrap it - allowing the full expression of the loving intent to open me to new experiences along my journey. I am provided with another chance to open my heart and learn more about myself and him, while keeping my good judgment in tact. My wisdom gained from experience tells me that I can apply what I've learned and be both the giver and the receiver of this gift. I am the participant and the observer and it feels very balanced - and new, and a little frightening all at once.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

DD#61: Slow and Steady

I want spring weather! I'm tired of the cold, rainy, overcast days. According to my calendar, Spring sprang several weeks ago and we've only had brief glimpses of it so far. It seems my moods are closely aligned with the amount of sunshine streaming into my windows. 

I love the weather cushion of Spring and Fall - the lovely transition from cold/rainy winter and hot/sunny summer. This is quite unusual because transitions usually create a feeling of edginess in me. Transition equals change and while I'm pretty adept at acting like I'm rolling with the punches, inside I'm quaking with fear, doubt, and insecurity. 

For most of my life, I never admitted to feeling anxious or vulnerable about anything. Showing vulnerability meant that I could be identified as a victim and suffer the consequences - definitely not safe. Over the course of a lot of deep, therapeutic work I've gained much wisdom and have learned that there are circumstances when being vulnerable is productive.

I'm in the beginning stages of a romantic relationship and based upon past experiences, have come to understand that I must risk a certain level of vulnerability during each phase of the process. What to reveal and when to reveal it is always risky. As our connection deepens, true vulnerability is in staying authentically who I am while observing who he is. Are his words and actions congruent? Does he walk his talk or is he all talk? Does he make promises he doesn't keep? Does he remember what I've told him about myself and gather it into his feelings about me? Is he attentive and considerate of me? All of this and much more is recorded in my mind for review after each conversation, email, and time spent together. I know that if he is genuine, all of the same things about me are recorded in his mind, too. 

This slow dance is delightful and so different from many of my past experiences with men when I felt full of rocket fuel and shot out of the launch pad like a nuclear weapon with him as the target. I obsessed about all of the exciting aspects while totally blinded by all of the negative. Red flags? What red flags? I'm having fun, so there are no caution flags and certainly no red flags that I'm aware of! All became visible when suffering the pain of making another poor choice. Why didn't I see them earlier? Perhaps because I was moving at warp speed and everything was a blur except my desire to make this mere mortal my dream man. 

Now I'm older and wiser and so grateful for the slow dance. Sharing, observing, listening, feeling - how does it fit into my wants and needs in relationship. During this time of heady possibilities, how do I see "us" a year from now, five years from now and further out? Will the small stuff become so huge that it will be intolerable? What are the red flags? Maybe they're only pink flags - maybe no flags - all will be revealed as we slow dance our way into what we both  hope will be a fulfilling, loving, deeply connected relationship. We're both looking for the person we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Maybe we just may have found our last first date - we'll see as this unfolds...

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

DD#60: 2nd Post - My Two-fer

I'm smiling as I remember how it feels to dance. My body is still feeling the music and movement. I have this extended feeling for Contra dancing, rock, and belt-buckle-polishing slow dance - they all stay with my body for a few days afterward. It's like I have an amazing music/dance/connection echo - the memory is such a reflection of the body/mind/spirit perspective of what I treasure in my life and the vibrations are anchored, ready to be recalled any time I want to treat myself. 

Each time I revisit the experience, I feel the memory of dancing as the physical expression of partnership, yin/yang, leader/follower, cooperation. It takes the subtle physical signals and puts them to music. The gentle but firm pressure on my back or hand to lead me into the next step. The music humming through my body, joining my partner's vibration, becoming a single, smooth, sensual movement together. The powerful aphrodisiac of the eye contact when we spin in Contra dancing while the music leads us through the next step. The energetic connection of bodies dancing to hot, pulsing, rock'n'roll, belying the physical space between us.

It's delicious to tap into these moments of artistic communication, feeling my body, my partner's body, and how we created something beautiful together, something that connects us long after we've traveled to our separate beds. I'm anticipating the time when I can share the night of dancing and keep the physical connection in a single bed and I'm warm with the thought of it...

DD#60: Enough!

What to do, what to do? When there are so many choices it's hard to know where to start! Actually, starting isn't nearly as much of a challenge as knowing when to stop. When is enough, enough?

As I clear out my path for living my best life, I have attracted options I never knew existed while I stayed in hiding, buried by my clutter. As my mind clears out the obstacles, my body must decide to take physical action. I actually have lots of physical stuff to move out of the way and I'm in an old pattern of feeling overwhelmed by the sheer size of the job ahead. I have spent inordinate amounts of time and dedication in my head, I just have to get my body to cooperate. The head has started, but the body has said "ENOUGH" before I even made the first step. 

I've always thought that if I waited long enough the motivation would hit me like a bolt of lightening and I'd be spurred to action like a startled runaway horse who's been spooked by a snake in the path. Well, what I've learned is that, as tiresome and boring as it sounds, I must take action THEN the motivation will ensue. How tedious! I want to think my way through all this tough stuff. I want to wave my magic wand and have it all done. (Aha! I just made a typo that was profound! I typed magic "want" in error. Guess what? That's exactly what it is! Magic Want - not magic wand!) I want to worry about it enough to make it happen without my having to do it. 

So, basically, what I have started is not the work, it's the worry, and I'm having a hard time stopping. When is enough enough? Guilt, worry, and resentment are corrosive, like slowly dripping acid eating away at my spirit.Why is that the first phase of every project? Why can't I just skip it and create my plan and move forward? It's like I have to do my duty to my dark side before I can skip into the light. I'm setting my intention to activate my override command and skip the worry so I can smoothly, easily move into the idea, the plan, the action steps, the action, then any modifications required to assure successful completion of something that's important in my life. See? I'm waving my Magic Want...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

DD#:59: Hot Pursuit

What's up with this dating/mating game? It certainly seems to be feast or famine for me. I've been having so much fun dancing and flirting and have written about it occasionally. It's been INCREDIBLE for me. So here's my conundrum: why is it that when you meet one or two men you may be interested in getting to know better, suddenly the flood gates open and it's a deluge of men? Do we put out some kind of primal signal that we're ready to mate? Do men have a secretly fine tuned 7th or 8th (we all have a 6th sense) sense that makes them aware of female receptiveness? Like a dog whistle only dogs can hear, our female signal is only picked up by those with a Y chromosome.

After an empty space of 3-4 weeks without any male attention, in the past couple of weekends of joyous dancing the Universe has presented me with 3-4 men who could be interesting - in a possible romantic-interesting kind of way. It's exciting to feel their attention and our mutual attraction. 

So now that I've emitted the female signal, a flood of Y chromosomes have caught wind of it and are called to the chase. I've gotten an increased volume of emails on my online profile - including a couple of smokin' hot men who are way (WAY, WAY, WAY) younger who are in hot pursuit. I mean I have to admit that it's very tempting to be pursued by a man who is gorgeous, but my common sense tells me that this is the "Cougar" thing and I don't really want to be a Cougar. 

I'm into having fun, but have outgrown the risky-behavior kind of fun. My risks come in a different more mature variety now. Like taking the risk of being honest with myself and others, or the risk of speaking up when I need to, and the risk of being real. Now those are BIG risks! 

Anyway, I'm flattered that someone so young and beautiful finds me attractive enough to want to be with me, but, oh my, I just can't imagine myself being comfortable with anyone that age. What would we talk about, how could we get each other's frame of reference around perspective, humor, music, etc? Oh yes, in my state of being blinded by their physical beauty, I forgot, this is not about connecting through our deep conversations. It's about another kind of connecting - and while I'd be proud to share my years of cumulative wisdom, the idea of sharing my aging, saggy body is quite terrifying! 

So, fantasies aside, I will enjoy the male attention and keep a sane attitude about my goal of being open to a healthy, loving, deeply connected romantic relationship with the appropriate man for me. If he's not among the ones that I'm seeing now, I know that when the time is right, he's going to show up and pursue me just as hotly as a youngster after his Cougar!

Sunday, May 2, 2010

DD#58: Movement - physical and social

I have a happiness hangover - not from alcohol - from having fun. My body is slightly sore, my head is a little achey and my spirit and brain are feeling terrific. I spent another night of intense dancing. While I'm on the dance floor, I feel the joy of being in my body and don't give a care to how I'll feel the next day. I know that after more regular dancing I'll be able to wake up feeling flexible and healthy the morning after - even with fewer hours of sleep.

I drove to a night club an hour and a half from my home to join in a friend's birthday party. It's been many years since I've been in this particular type of venue and wasn't sure what to expect. The one thing I could be sure of, however, was that if my friend said it was a great place it most certainly would be a fun experience.

I was a little curious to see whether things had changed since my Friday and Saturday nights clubbing from years ago. In those days, there was plenty of alcohol consumed - not by me because I've always been a lightweight drinker - but by others in the clubs I frequented. The single men stood around watching and the women sat around bouncing in their chairs just waiting to be asked to dance. It was a highly competitive waiting game. Who would win the attention of an attractive man?

The men needed a few drinks before they'd venture over to someone to ask. Since I can only speculate how tough it must be to get up the courage to ask a woman to dance leaving yourself open to the possibility of being publicly rejected, I'll speak from my perspective - one of the women who sat with her friends or alone, hoping and praying I'd be asked to dance. I remember looking around the room watching women forced by social customs to sit in their chair moving in rhythm to the music, smiling, flirting (outrageously or covertly), giving every signal they knew to entice a man to ask them to dance. Sometimes it worked and others it didn't, but nearly every woman in the place wanted to dance. For most of us singles it was the only opportunity we had to feel the joy of dancing and safe physical contact with a man.

Well, the times have changed - a LOT! Last night I joined an array of men and women of every size, color, style, and age having fun on the dance floor. None of the women waited for a man to ask - when a song was played that moved us, we headed to the dance floor and danced. There were still plenty of men standing in groups watching and waiting, but women weren't waiting for them. Sometimes the men would simply join us on the dance floor, three or four to a group. I was asked to dance and joined on the dance floor by men of all ages and colors - everyone was simply feeling the joy of strutting their stuff to the music. There seemed to be no socially proscribed qualifications for age, gender, or ethnic background - the only requirement was to be free enough to have fun moving with the music. How liberating it felt to participate in this break away from the old rigidity around who should do what. The only expectation was to feel the rhythm, laugh, join in, be there, dance, flirt, smile, and occasionally bump into someone who was exuberantly movin' to the music.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

DD: #57 Stirring up Stuff

Each day I have seated myself in front of my computer keyboard, opened my blog and sat to ponder what will float to the top of my fertile mind. I've often thought of my writing as the cream that rises to the top - the richest part of my ever-busy mind. Of course there are a few other things that float to the top, too:>)), and I  haven't been able to wade through the other stuff to allow the cream to find its way up.

I've been blank! I've been busy thinking about plenty of other things, talking with friends and family, planning my work, and just having some fun. I've been enjoying my life - AND - I haven't written about it. Why? I really want to know why I'm reluctant to put it in writing. Is this a dry spell or something else more sinister? Is my evil sister, Procrastinating Polly back to haunt me? 

The ultimate egotist, Procrastinating Polly has been my nemesis on many levels through out my life. She's easy to blame because she's never far from the surface - waiting to take the only immediate action she's capable of performing: arrogantly pushing my purposeful, productive self aside to be ignored while I allow her free reign. It's just so easy to let her take charge! It's old, familiar and oh so comfortable to become her captive. I slip into my feelings of being  helpless to boot her out and nurture my inner victim. 

As with all egotist aspects, she's driven by my fear. Now what the h---, I say, can I possibly be afraid of in this amazing, wonderful life I have? Who knows for sure? I can only begin naming some of the exciting changes that are occurring in my life now and know that hiding in there among them is good ol' FEAR. Even as I embrace the aliveness I feel about being me, these days, there are always small parts of me (Procrastinating Polly among others) wanting to put the skids on forward progress because it's just too scary. It's DIFFERENT, it's CHANGE, it's UNKNOWN. Well, I could go on with a few more nouns, but the point is that all of this stirs up my STUFF. 

My stuff is like sediment. While things are calm, it settles to the bottom and things appear to be clean and clear. I know it's down there, but it's easy to forget. Through the years, I've done much inner work and filtered out plenty of sediment 'stuff', but there's still some lying in wait to be stirred up, sometimes unexpectedly. Just when things are sailing along on smooth waters, something happens to cloud my clarity with my stuff. Each time my stuff comes up, I get another chance to filter some of it out by being aware and noticing quickly that something's amiss. In the face of everything positive, I'm slipping into an old behavior - avoiding, tuning out, unplugging, delaying, exhibiting my feelings of fear. When I realize it, I can smile and nod in recognition, take out my tool kit and begin processing so I can move through it. The cloudy waters begin to clear as I use my tools to filter even more sediment so there's less available to dull my vision next time I wade into my own sh--. So, the forecast for today is CLEAR and SUNNY - not a cloud in sight:>))