Saturday, February 27, 2010

DD#40: Little Boxes

Every time I wrestled with an old belief or problem to a point of feeling a sense of resolution, I thought I could put it in a box, wrap it with a note saying "DONE/FINISHED/OVER/ENDED/FINAL" and put it on a shelf. I dusted myself off and moved forward freed from ever having to address that issue again. 

I've dealt with a litany of issues: mommy issues, daddy issues, sibling issues, love issues, hate issues, forgiveness issues, resentment issues, man issues, health issues, weight issues, work issues; food issues - I've used up plenty of tissues dealing with my issues. But I'm an imperfect human living in an imperfect world, so I was bound to bump into a situation that brought my shelf of neatly wrapped boxes tumbling down around me - UNFINISHED - again.

I have sporadically kept a journal for many years and one day when I was cleaning my bedroom, I discovered an old journal dated 5-6 years earlier. Thinking I'd chuckle looking back at how little I knew then, I sat down to read some of the entries and was dismayed to see that I'd written about the very same stuff I was still dealing with! What kind of progress is that anyway? I felt awful - like I was stuck in a time warp destined to repeat my painful choices without ever seeing the results of changes I'd manifested in my life. I was so distraught that I tore up the old journal pages determined to never be reminded of how little I had changed despite all of my efforts to grow spiritually and emotionally. 

As I continue to ask the Universe to show me results from my willingness to shine a light on the many obstacles that hide me from my Sacred Self, the Universe says "Yes!" and I get an opportunity to see what I want to change. As long as I keep asking, and stay conscious of my feelings and actions, I can open each box carefully and examine the contents with a new perspective. Oh, there's that piece from when I thought I was being a good friend, but the truth is that I was simply terrified of being rejected. I didn't give freely, with an open heart. I gave with a fearful expectation of a return - that they would like me and need me and never leave me. Right - I didn't know how to be an honest friend who loved herself enough to know that she didn't have to earn the right to be here by working harder, giving more, and being the most agreeable person ever, just to be accepted. Yes, I remembered that and continued to learn more and practice being honest and authentic. 

Now I'm happy it's not DONE - I get to improve it every time I'm in a situation that encourages me to be real. Over time my separate little boxes have merged into a larger, more profound blend of lots of little facets of me representing the wholeness of me - who I AM, why I AM here, and how I AM gratefully living my life connected to the Divine in myself and everyone I encounter.

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