Aarrrgghh another missed day of blogging! I can't believe I did it again. This time I didn't even realize it until I was eating breakfast this morning and thinking about my day. I looked at my notes from yesterday and there it was: Blog! How can I get so distracted by other things in life that it completely slips my mind? I suppose that's why they say it takes 90 days to create a habit - not 30. So this is 90 blogs in 93 days as of today.
I want to beat myself up about it but after my miss on Saturday, thankfully, I've admitted that I'm not perfect so that's not an overwhelming need this time. (Although the Fraud Cops are still hanging around in the shadows waiting for a new situation to occur so they can catch me:>))
But Wait! There's more! The other part of this is that I now have a different recurring thought, "What if I become too relaxed about my commitment? Like a rat chewing its way into a package to get at the food, doubt is nibbling at me. What if, in reality, I'm a lazy, dishonest, flake?"
Doubt creeps into me and disrupts my sense of peace and serenity about my creativity. It smothers the joy I feel about expressing who I am - embracing the courage it takes to reveal myself to others. It makes me wonder if, in revealing myself, I have simply exposed myself as I really am instead of who I want you to think I am. Doubt twists and distorts my willingness to be vulnerable and trusting and makes me feel fearful and anxious. Doubt is driven by my ego - when it's all about me. Willingness, vulnerability, and courage are guided by faith when it's all about God/Goddess. How interesting that even the verbs used to describe the actions illuminate the nature of each: doubt is driven and faith is guided.
For me, this is part of the beauty of blogging. It's a way of learning about where my head goes so I can get out my tool kit and continue my internal remodeling project. My writing flows through me from my higher self and puts words to formless ideas and notions that float around as vague unidentified feelings. Now there are words and with words comes a clearer view of what's happening. My head now knows what my gut has known all along. With words comes the opportunity to create a new vocabulary - my internal dictionary can now expand with new meanings and language. The power of words has always fascinated me and I'm grateful that, like a 3 year old who's encouraged to used their words instead of their fists, I can stop flailing around at shadows and use my words to shed light on them. Let the power of words continue to guide me faithfully to being the person I came here to be - my I AM.