Tuesday, March 23, 2010

DD#51: What I don't want to feel

A few weeks ago I took a huge risk with my feelings. I risked feeling incredible joy without a "guaranty" of a positive outcome. I knew that feeling the joy and being present for it was worth the risk of feeling the pain of living in the unknown. I've written about my black and white thinking before - I want to have everything be "yes or no" "all or nothing" "right or wrong" "now or never". I'm torn between feeling a need to stay with it and nurse it, nurture it, pour myself into it or just trash it and move on. The in between - unknown, mystery, waiting, patience, time - are hard for me. 

I knew how to fear feeling joy just in case it would end (as, of course, it always did, my cynical self said). One day I realized that, what the heck, I was around for the pain, so I may as well feel the joy, too. Things began to change, but the thing that never changes is that things will change - joy will change, sorrow will change, pain will change - none of it is permanent. It takes living in the present, accepting the unknown and feeling all of it. For the most part, I feel gratitude for all of it - pain and joy. I'm feeling, so it makes me real. Right now I'm feeling the pain of lost wishes, hopes and dreams. The joy will return and so will the wishes, hopes and dreams, but somehow they will be different - they'll be more anchored, closer to reality as they are after every time I take the risk of feeling joy without fearing the pain...

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