I've been thinking more about my she-creature and how I can see her from a new perspective. She's part of me - always will be, so there's no killing her off like some villain in a novel. Besides, there are times when I love to take a look at her and recognize the power she used to have over my life. As I mentioned previously, I spent most of my life inside the cage looking out while she prowled around in control, leaving me to suffer the consequences of her behavior.
As I talked with a friend about the circumstances that bring her quickly to the surface to demand control of my thoughts and actions, she shared her concept of her she-creature. Rather than a fierce tiger, pacing back and forth, snarling and growling to be released, she thinks of her she-creature as a wild horse enclosed in a very large corral - contained, but not constantly rattling the cage to weaken it and be free to consume her.
I really liked that image, so I decided to see my own she-creature in a similar way. She's beautiful, wild, and full of energy. While she wants to be free of the fences, she recognizes the boundaries they represent. She tosses her head, flares her nostrils and lifts her tail as she gallops around releasing energy in a safe enclosure. It's more about boundaries than cages. She represents that wild, edgy part of me that I really appreciate - that I embrace.
It reminds me of when I understood the difference between setting a boundary vs building a brick wall around myself. Of course nobody could scale or break through the brick wall and I was safe, but I was trapped inside, never free to experience life and that's the only reason I'm here - to experience life in all of its flavors. Setting a boundary for myself so I could set them for others meant I could feel free to grow and expand because, unlike brick walls, boundaries are fences - I can see beyond them and others can see me through them.
My old she-creature tiger in a cage could never be calmed, I had to worry fearfully that she might escape and lock me in the cage again. She always wanted me to be in the cage where I was helpless to defend myself against her will. It was a life of either/or - black or white, all or nothing.
She understands this but at times needs to chafe at her boundaries - wanting to feel the freedom of thinking she could run until she drops without ever worrying about anything in her way - no obstacles. What she doesn't know is that she can never really do that - there are obstacles everywhere. It's my job as her caretaker to understand this for her and maintain the boundary for our safety. She can see me and I can see her and we're both safe...
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