Saturday, March 6, 2010

DD#45: She-creature

I'm not feeling very creative today - I'm having a hard time letting go of my love addict. She wants to take control of my budding relationship with a wonderful man. She wants to feel disappointed because she had certain expectations and they haven't been met (I know (I KNOW) better, but she still doesn't). It isn't a big thing, it's small, but she's quick to anger.

I wonder whether I can ever completely detach from that addictive part of myself and just be free. I believe that she's always in there, pacing back and forth in her cage, lurking around waiting for an opportunity to jump out and control my thoughts and actions. Oh, the lurking and jumping are not nearly as strong as they used to be. I know how much progress I've made, but sometimes the power of my reaction over what my intellect tells me should be a small thing, surprises me. I've learned to recognize that she-creature inside me, she dwells alongside Maudie the Critic, Angry Alice, and 'Fraidy Female - some of the darker facets of my personality where she prowls. She's ravenous when she senses fear, anger, guilt or shame - gorging herself on my peace and self-worth. She's a demanding dominatrix when she feels in control. 

I think back to how much of my life has been a reversal of roles - I've lived trapped inside the cage where she belongs.
These days I feel more like she's in the cage and I am free to grow and expand in safety. Now her attempts to control me are less threatening growls and snarls. She's fierce, but she's also old and cranky - not as strong and agile as when she could whip me into submission and keep me trapped in my darkness. Ahhh, freedom - it feels so ---- well, free!

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