Saturday, May 1, 2010

DD: #57 Stirring up Stuff

Each day I have seated myself in front of my computer keyboard, opened my blog and sat to ponder what will float to the top of my fertile mind. I've often thought of my writing as the cream that rises to the top - the richest part of my ever-busy mind. Of course there are a few other things that float to the top, too:>)), and I  haven't been able to wade through the other stuff to allow the cream to find its way up.

I've been blank! I've been busy thinking about plenty of other things, talking with friends and family, planning my work, and just having some fun. I've been enjoying my life - AND - I haven't written about it. Why? I really want to know why I'm reluctant to put it in writing. Is this a dry spell or something else more sinister? Is my evil sister, Procrastinating Polly back to haunt me? 

The ultimate egotist, Procrastinating Polly has been my nemesis on many levels through out my life. She's easy to blame because she's never far from the surface - waiting to take the only immediate action she's capable of performing: arrogantly pushing my purposeful, productive self aside to be ignored while I allow her free reign. It's just so easy to let her take charge! It's old, familiar and oh so comfortable to become her captive. I slip into my feelings of being  helpless to boot her out and nurture my inner victim. 

As with all egotist aspects, she's driven by my fear. Now what the h---, I say, can I possibly be afraid of in this amazing, wonderful life I have? Who knows for sure? I can only begin naming some of the exciting changes that are occurring in my life now and know that hiding in there among them is good ol' FEAR. Even as I embrace the aliveness I feel about being me, these days, there are always small parts of me (Procrastinating Polly among others) wanting to put the skids on forward progress because it's just too scary. It's DIFFERENT, it's CHANGE, it's UNKNOWN. Well, I could go on with a few more nouns, but the point is that all of this stirs up my STUFF. 

My stuff is like sediment. While things are calm, it settles to the bottom and things appear to be clean and clear. I know it's down there, but it's easy to forget. Through the years, I've done much inner work and filtered out plenty of sediment 'stuff', but there's still some lying in wait to be stirred up, sometimes unexpectedly. Just when things are sailing along on smooth waters, something happens to cloud my clarity with my stuff. Each time my stuff comes up, I get another chance to filter some of it out by being aware and noticing quickly that something's amiss. In the face of everything positive, I'm slipping into an old behavior - avoiding, tuning out, unplugging, delaying, exhibiting my feelings of fear. When I realize it, I can smile and nod in recognition, take out my tool kit and begin processing so I can move through it. The cloudy waters begin to clear as I use my tools to filter even more sediment so there's less available to dull my vision next time I wade into my own sh--. So, the forecast for today is CLEAR and SUNNY - not a cloud in sight:>))

No comments:

Post a Comment