Here it is, several weeks since my last entry and my commitment to do 90 blogs in 90 days is far from perfect. Guess it is my way of practicing a very important life changing philosophy for a perfectionist like me: progress, not perfection.
I'd like to continue my last blog entry with the details of my conversation with Mr X and have been putting it off because I've learned that I'm a lot better at speaking dialogue than I am at writing it. I have it in my head, but somehow it seems overwhelming to write it with all of the correct punctuation --- and here comes my perfectionist! OMG - my evil twin has reared her ugly head again - yes, I'm a grammar and punctuation snob and she's large and in charge right now.
What I can do right now is to share how courageous I was to take the lead in this very emotional conversation. How my willingness to speak my truth with clear, clean communication, gave Mr X the courage to speak his truth, too. What I learned from this very important call was that I was better equipped to take the lead in this situation. I have always remained passive and by my non-action, allowed others to make my emotional decisions for me. I have been a willing victim of other people's choices because I didn't speak up for myself unless I had been pushed into a corner and had to come out swinging. So speaking my truth was always confrontational - involving anger and frustration and major fear.
In my commitment to being authentic, I understood that Mr X was not a bad man, but was going through a painful process and didn't know how to communicate it verbally. I led him through this process and at the end of our phone call, he said I was much braver than he was and that he didn't have the right words - I had helped him find the words and ultimately be honest. He was bothered by not replying to my email and it haunted him, but he didn't know how to handle it any other way. He also didn't see any options for "us" at this time since he couldn't imagine being in a loving relationship without his version of sex.
In that single conversation, I learned much about him and it was clear to me then, that by making that call - taking the lead - I had cleared up any confusion over whether I was letting the best man I'd ever met slip away in fear. I understood that I wanted much more from the man in my life than sex. I believe sex is a very important part of a loving relationship and I want a partner (husband) who is open and vibrant -AND, I need to feel a deep spiritual connection too.
We must be connected at all three levels: body/mind/spirit. If one is missing, the other two just limp along until the road gets rough. Since the relationship isn't strong enough to survive the rocky terrain, it crumbles apart and falls by the wayside, piece by broken piece, leaving two very injured souls. Most of us have endured this horrible experience and carry the scars to prove it. I couldn't turn a blind eye to this very real scenario with Mr X, even though he had taught me what a loving husband could be. Mr X was adrift and couldn't see a life boat in sight - I faced my fear and helped him beyond his own, so we both learned from it.
I took the lesson and walked away with a couple of bruises and incredible awareness of who I am and what I have to offer others. My courage to be a leader in modeling how to be honest and clear in our message to ourselves and others was validated and I am grateful. Living in my own truth and using my voice is a powerful way to live my purpose: I'm here to show others how to learn to love themselves fully and honestly, so they can love others in the same way. I'm willing to learn how to reach inside and communicate through that spark of the Divine that resides in everyone and connects us to each other as we move through the Divine Energetic Soup that unites us with our Beloved.