Yippee! I'm celebrating the 2nd week of blogging daily - I CAN do it! It's amazing to me how much commitment and accountability factor into my ability to follow through with doing what I want to do to get where I want to be. (Does that make sense to you? It does to me.) While I am in the beginning it seems such a huge task, but when I step into my "just for today" perspective, I can break it down to daily tasks that will get me there - one day at a time.
"A journey of a 1,000 miles begins with a single step." Sound familiar? It's the Three "R's": recycle, reuse, re-purpose - everything "new" is recycled ancient wisdom.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
DD#13 More with the Expectations!
Learning every day has its advantages! It occurred to me recently that we don't even know that we have certain expectations about our lives until they're unmet and feel the disappointment, loss, or sadness about not getting what we think we want.
I look at these as gems or nuggets that are discovered while being watchful - aware - searching for them subconsciously as we stroll along on our journey. They're waiting there for us to notice them beneath the layers of denial and avoidance. I'm committed to seeing with new eyes what is waiting and offering me yet another way to stay in touch with my authentic self. Where will this take me? What will I learn? I'm open, completely surrendered to being who I am and living my purposeful life. Deeper, I'm diving deeper every day. Strap on your diving equipment and jump in with me!
I look at these as gems or nuggets that are discovered while being watchful - aware - searching for them subconsciously as we stroll along on our journey. They're waiting there for us to notice them beneath the layers of denial and avoidance. I'm committed to seeing with new eyes what is waiting and offering me yet another way to stay in touch with my authentic self. Where will this take me? What will I learn? I'm open, completely surrendered to being who I am and living my purposeful life. Deeper, I'm diving deeper every day. Strap on your diving equipment and jump in with me!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
DD#12 Keeping the Lesson
One of my favorites is Will Rogers - his down to earth humor hits home on so many levels. I'm reminded of this quote from him: Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
Today I remember that everything I've learned has brought me to this point in my life. I am the culmination of all of my experiences.The most important thing to remember is to keep the lesson and apply it while creating my next new story...
Today I remember that everything I've learned has brought me to this point in my life. I am the culmination of all of my experiences.The most important thing to remember is to keep the lesson and apply it while creating my next new story...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
DD#11 - Changing Stories
I'm learning so much these days! My learning takes place when I'm confronted with my own stuff, therefore I'm presented with the opportunity to change an old story.
My old stories keep me stuck in the pattern of continuing to have the same behavior or belief while expecting a different outcome - the definition of insanity. Along the path of recovery I decided that I was no longer going to be defined by my traumas. I am not broken. I have scars aplenty, but our scars tell us where we've been, they don't define where we're going. My scars are a reminder of all of the experiences I have to draw on - the very wisdom of learning from my mistakes and applying what I learn into my life. When I rewrite a new story based upon who I am now, it frees me up to begin receiving incredible gifts from the Universe.
For example, as a result of putting myself out there in the dating game, I recently came face-to-face with an old story of mine: I can only be with a man who chooses me. I'm not worth enough to freely choose for myself. I've been with many men who chose me, desired me, wanted me, needed me - but didn't ever know me. It's not their fault - I never revealed myself to them because I didn't have a clue who I was either. I lived inside a fortress of denial and self-deprecation - a people-pleasing whore for approval. I would sacrifice anything for their love. The problem with that story is that I was burdened with resentment for them for not knowing what I wanted or who I was. I was looking for answers outside myself about my value as a woman, mother, wife, human being.
I made a conscious choice to change my story when I was faced with the desire to run as fast as I could in the other direction when in the presence of men who mirrored my old story back at me. I knew that updating my story gave me the right to choose who and what I wanted in my life - that I have an amazing life - that bringing a man into my life is not like finding a missing part of me. I'm changing my stories as they're revealed to me. I invite you to look at your life and see what stories you can change - it's totally worth the effort!
My old stories keep me stuck in the pattern of continuing to have the same behavior or belief while expecting a different outcome - the definition of insanity. Along the path of recovery I decided that I was no longer going to be defined by my traumas. I am not broken. I have scars aplenty, but our scars tell us where we've been, they don't define where we're going. My scars are a reminder of all of the experiences I have to draw on - the very wisdom of learning from my mistakes and applying what I learn into my life. When I rewrite a new story based upon who I am now, it frees me up to begin receiving incredible gifts from the Universe.
For example, as a result of putting myself out there in the dating game, I recently came face-to-face with an old story of mine: I can only be with a man who chooses me. I'm not worth enough to freely choose for myself. I've been with many men who chose me, desired me, wanted me, needed me - but didn't ever know me. It's not their fault - I never revealed myself to them because I didn't have a clue who I was either. I lived inside a fortress of denial and self-deprecation - a people-pleasing whore for approval. I would sacrifice anything for their love. The problem with that story is that I was burdened with resentment for them for not knowing what I wanted or who I was. I was looking for answers outside myself about my value as a woman, mother, wife, human being.
I made a conscious choice to change my story when I was faced with the desire to run as fast as I could in the other direction when in the presence of men who mirrored my old story back at me. I knew that updating my story gave me the right to choose who and what I wanted in my life - that I have an amazing life - that bringing a man into my life is not like finding a missing part of me. I'm changing my stories as they're revealed to me. I invite you to look at your life and see what stories you can change - it's totally worth the effort!
Friday, January 22, 2010
DD#10 Short and Sweet - Accountability
After two days of writing whole chapters of my experience, I'm taking a writer's break by making a brief entry in my blog today. I'm feeling very grateful for a lifetime of tools available to me to work through anything and everything that comes "up" for me. I've been a slave to my many addictions over the years.
Each time I've made a conscious commitment to ridding myself of a specific addiction (and there are many) I've given myself permission to indulge in another addiction. I never thought of it like that but realized recently that immersing myself in a trade-off addiction allowed me to release one that was impeding my progress more obviously. I thought the most challenging was food - nothing could be harder to give up than the foods I couldn't stop eating. Well, it's been nearly two years now and I've developed a healthy lifestyle that includes healthy eating and I'm in a normal size body.
Much to my chagrin, I've discovered another addiction that's just as powerful as food! I got caught up in a pattern of wasting time with a computer game. I was spending more and more time completely absorbed in this darned game - yet another way to anesthetize myself! I made a commitment to my sponsor to close the game and not open it unless I called her first. Done! Finalized! Over! Right? Wrong! I have craved opening that game and playing it much more than I craved the foods I no longer eat! The only thing between me and that darned game is the commitment I made to my sponsor! This is why accountability must be built into anything I want to change in my life.
So what "lesser" addiction can I rely on as I give away the computer game addiction? Well, as it turns out, it's not a "lesser" addiction - it's an amazingly powerful one. I'm practicing an "addiction" to my connection to the Divine and Gratitude for the amazing opportunities open to me to make choices that keep me living my purposeful life. Always remembering that I AM my purpose - it is not something apart from me.
Each time I've made a conscious commitment to ridding myself of a specific addiction (and there are many) I've given myself permission to indulge in another addiction. I never thought of it like that but realized recently that immersing myself in a trade-off addiction allowed me to release one that was impeding my progress more obviously. I thought the most challenging was food - nothing could be harder to give up than the foods I couldn't stop eating. Well, it's been nearly two years now and I've developed a healthy lifestyle that includes healthy eating and I'm in a normal size body.
Much to my chagrin, I've discovered another addiction that's just as powerful as food! I got caught up in a pattern of wasting time with a computer game. I was spending more and more time completely absorbed in this darned game - yet another way to anesthetize myself! I made a commitment to my sponsor to close the game and not open it unless I called her first. Done! Finalized! Over! Right? Wrong! I have craved opening that game and playing it much more than I craved the foods I no longer eat! The only thing between me and that darned game is the commitment I made to my sponsor! This is why accountability must be built into anything I want to change in my life.
So what "lesser" addiction can I rely on as I give away the computer game addiction? Well, as it turns out, it's not a "lesser" addiction - it's an amazingly powerful one. I'm practicing an "addiction" to my connection to the Divine and Gratitude for the amazing opportunities open to me to make choices that keep me living my purposeful life. Always remembering that I AM my purpose - it is not something apart from me.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
DD#9 Chapter 2 The Rights of a Single Woman
Meanwhile back at my computer! After the rough start with Man Meet #1, I decided to check out more options on the singles site. OK, let me check on available men closer to home, yep, that would be more convenient - a quick meet for coffee, then dash off to whatever else I had planned for the day - no harm, no foul. I thought maybe I could get this down to a science and when the right man showed up, I'd be a fine-tuned relationship machine - there would be no more mysteries for me about how to be in a strong, loving, healthy relationship. I'd have it down pat. Oh my, the things we can delude ourselves into thinking are endless!
So, after culling through men that were too old, too young, who didn't post their photos, and men whose photos were, shall we say, not appealing to me, what else could go wrong? Oh, and did I mention men that couldn't write a complete sentence or spell the easiest words correctly. (Is this where I mention that my judgmental snob rears her ugly head over errors in the spoken and written language? Remember, I already admitted my obsession with the power of words).
"Am I being too picky?", I asked myself.
"Of course not," I answered. "You want someone who's at least your level of intelligence and education. It's your right to ask for what you want."
I began replying to emails I received from men who were interested in me. They were dropping like flies! Fewer and fewer were qualifying to be in the running for my perfect match. I was disqualifying them based upon how quickly they responded, how interesting their replies were, how expressive their emails were - my head was getting bigger and bigger - after all, I was a real catch! So my list dwindled down to a couple of guys who were local and met my stringent requirements. After all, I have a right to ask for what I want, don't I?
Here was one that seemed appealing: a retired psychologist who's quite the poet with his emails. Hmmm, he sounded interesting. There he stood in his photo with a huge grin on his face (I like smiling faces) and it's a friendly face - so he looked interesting, too.
He emailed me his number and I dialed him with my number blocked, but his phone wouldn't accept blocked calls! OK, now I had a real decision to make. My list had narrowed to two guys and this one seemed more intriguing, so should I call him with out blocking my number so his caller ID would give him not only my number, but my name, too? Be brave, Toni, take a risk - so I called him anyway and he answered the phone saying hello to me by name. That shook me up a little but I regained my composure and started hitting hard with my probing questions after a little small talk to break the ice.
As it turned out I started hitting hard but I didn't have to continue my questionnaire - he completely dominated the conversation. He would ask me a question but before I could answer he would divert the attention to himself and begin another monologue. Don't ask me why, but I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 the next day, wondering what had happened to the strong, communicative woman who had the right to ask for what she wanted because what she really wanted was to hang up and delete this guy from her 'possibles' list.
So as I prepared for a meeting the following morning I took extra care with my clothes, makeup, hair, and scent all the while knowing I was to meet a man I didn't even want to meet. I wondered what was up with this attention to detail, but cast it from my mind as I rushed out the door. Like Blanche DuBois, I'd think about it tomorrow.
At 11:00 I arrived at the coffee shop and placed my order. He was nowhere in site, so I decided to check my voicemail. In a moment of weakness I'd given him my cell number just in case there was a problem with either of us on the way to our meeting place. I was hoping I wouldn't regret this because this guy now had my full name and both of my personal phone numbers. If he was a stalker he could easily find out my address, too and I could become a victim of my desire to find my life partner! I cleared my mind of any fears around this and listened to the five (yes 5!!) messages from him within a 20 minute time frame.
Message #1: 10:30 - Problems with starting the car: couldn't make it to the coffee shop. So sorry...
Message #2: 11:00 - No problem - AAA arrived and jumped the battery - he'd be 10-15 minutes late - please don't leave.
Message #3: 11:10 - On his way, should be there in 10-15 minutes.
Message #4: 11:15 - Was only 5-10 minutes away.
Message #5: 11:20 - Was just down the block and hoped I was still waiting.
Exhausted from all of his messages, I quickly checked my home and office numbers in case there was something I need to address quickly. OMG! There were 3 voicemails from him on my home phone, too! Fortunately he didn't have my office number so I had one safe haven from his voice.
I sipped my coffee, read the paper and watched for him to arrive, the whole time wondering why I was waiting. (I suspect it's just my sense of common courtesy - my Mom really pounded that into us.) I saw him drive up and park and emerge from his car. I was stunned - it was another old man! He wasn't dressed like an old man but he moved like an old man and looked like an old man - how old was that photo anyway? And he was only about 5'3" - I'm 5'4" and was wearing high heels, making me about, say 4" taller than he. (I have a real issue about men shorter than I am. My first husband was significantly shorter than I and had a bad case of short-man complex so he was obnoxious and rude and pushy to everyone to compensate for being height challenged. I wasn't ready to take the risk of having another man like that in my life so I avoided short men.)
I took a deep breath and told myself to just relax and ride this one out - hug, hello, no it wasn't a problem to wait a few minutes, etc. He then launched into about a 50 minute monologue about how he was a perfect match for me, complete with prints of his contributions to blogs to prove his politics were similar to mine (something I requested in my profile)and very poetic compliments about my beauty, intelligence, and desirability.
He proceeded to go into great detail about his history - professional and private, and how he would treat me as his partner. He explained everything like I couldn't understand what he was talking about without his elucidation. It all sounded great except for the part about where I never get to make a decision, speak, think for myself, or have an idea of my own. This guy would definitely be the expert in the family - he knew everything, just ask. Oh wait, you didn't even have to ask - he'd tell you anyway. By now there was a metaphorical axe hanging over this guy's head. Giving up my role as family expert would have been nearly impossible, that alone would have disqualified him.
I interrupted him long enough to look at my watch and make a grimace about the time - I had to go back to work - sorry. Yes, it was real nice, ok, maybe we could go to dinner some time - I looked up and to my horror, he was heading towards my mouth for a kiss! I quickly turned my head and he caught my cheek. He actually tried turning my face towards him to score on my lips with the second effort. I pulled away just in time and jogged to my parked car.
There was yet another voicemail waiting for me when I got home telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me. That evening there was a very long email full of poems to me and points about how we were such a great match. The next morning I sent my "Dear John" email - which I had now saved as a draft.
I was beginning to notice a pattern that reminded me of something. I had now met two men who were willing to turn themselves into pretzels just to be with me (their idea of me) and I couldn't get away from them fast enough. What was the pattern that was a smokey feeling in my memory? OMG! I had come face-to-face with my old me! I had an overwhelming feeling of sorrow for how sad I was and an equally overwhelming feeling of forgiveness for every man I'd met who didn't call me back or return my calls. I'd hated them all for leaving me and not loving me enough but now realized that they couldn't love me because I couldn't let them. I was too needy and clingy and traumatized, full of anger and fear. Just being with me was toxic and now I had a feel for what that must have been like. Those poor men! I forgave them and forgave myself for not knowing any better. I'd just been doing what I knew how to do, stubbing my toe and cursing the darkness as I stumbled around hoping to be rescued.
I spent the next couple of days wondering why I hadn't just told him "No!" "No" to the meeting, "no" to my cell phone number, "no" to the monologue, a huge "no" to the attempted kisses. If I had a right to ask for what I want, why did I still act like I couldn't say "NO"?
So, after culling through men that were too old, too young, who didn't post their photos, and men whose photos were, shall we say, not appealing to me, what else could go wrong? Oh, and did I mention men that couldn't write a complete sentence or spell the easiest words correctly. (Is this where I mention that my judgmental snob rears her ugly head over errors in the spoken and written language? Remember, I already admitted my obsession with the power of words).
"Am I being too picky?", I asked myself.
"Of course not," I answered. "You want someone who's at least your level of intelligence and education. It's your right to ask for what you want."
I began replying to emails I received from men who were interested in me. They were dropping like flies! Fewer and fewer were qualifying to be in the running for my perfect match. I was disqualifying them based upon how quickly they responded, how interesting their replies were, how expressive their emails were - my head was getting bigger and bigger - after all, I was a real catch! So my list dwindled down to a couple of guys who were local and met my stringent requirements. After all, I have a right to ask for what I want, don't I?
Here was one that seemed appealing: a retired psychologist who's quite the poet with his emails. Hmmm, he sounded interesting. There he stood in his photo with a huge grin on his face (I like smiling faces) and it's a friendly face - so he looked interesting, too.
He emailed me his number and I dialed him with my number blocked, but his phone wouldn't accept blocked calls! OK, now I had a real decision to make. My list had narrowed to two guys and this one seemed more intriguing, so should I call him with out blocking my number so his caller ID would give him not only my number, but my name, too? Be brave, Toni, take a risk - so I called him anyway and he answered the phone saying hello to me by name. That shook me up a little but I regained my composure and started hitting hard with my probing questions after a little small talk to break the ice.
As it turned out I started hitting hard but I didn't have to continue my questionnaire - he completely dominated the conversation. He would ask me a question but before I could answer he would divert the attention to himself and begin another monologue. Don't ask me why, but I agreed to meet for coffee at 11:00 the next day, wondering what had happened to the strong, communicative woman who had the right to ask for what she wanted because what she really wanted was to hang up and delete this guy from her 'possibles' list.
So as I prepared for a meeting the following morning I took extra care with my clothes, makeup, hair, and scent all the while knowing I was to meet a man I didn't even want to meet. I wondered what was up with this attention to detail, but cast it from my mind as I rushed out the door. Like Blanche DuBois, I'd think about it tomorrow.
At 11:00 I arrived at the coffee shop and placed my order. He was nowhere in site, so I decided to check my voicemail. In a moment of weakness I'd given him my cell number just in case there was a problem with either of us on the way to our meeting place. I was hoping I wouldn't regret this because this guy now had my full name and both of my personal phone numbers. If he was a stalker he could easily find out my address, too and I could become a victim of my desire to find my life partner! I cleared my mind of any fears around this and listened to the five (yes 5!!) messages from him within a 20 minute time frame.
Message #1: 10:30 - Problems with starting the car: couldn't make it to the coffee shop. So sorry...
Message #2: 11:00 - No problem - AAA arrived and jumped the battery - he'd be 10-15 minutes late - please don't leave.
Message #3: 11:10 - On his way, should be there in 10-15 minutes.
Message #4: 11:15 - Was only 5-10 minutes away.
Message #5: 11:20 - Was just down the block and hoped I was still waiting.
Exhausted from all of his messages, I quickly checked my home and office numbers in case there was something I need to address quickly. OMG! There were 3 voicemails from him on my home phone, too! Fortunately he didn't have my office number so I had one safe haven from his voice.
I sipped my coffee, read the paper and watched for him to arrive, the whole time wondering why I was waiting. (I suspect it's just my sense of common courtesy - my Mom really pounded that into us.) I saw him drive up and park and emerge from his car. I was stunned - it was another old man! He wasn't dressed like an old man but he moved like an old man and looked like an old man - how old was that photo anyway? And he was only about 5'3" - I'm 5'4" and was wearing high heels, making me about, say 4" taller than he. (I have a real issue about men shorter than I am. My first husband was significantly shorter than I and had a bad case of short-man complex so he was obnoxious and rude and pushy to everyone to compensate for being height challenged. I wasn't ready to take the risk of having another man like that in my life so I avoided short men.)
I took a deep breath and told myself to just relax and ride this one out - hug, hello, no it wasn't a problem to wait a few minutes, etc. He then launched into about a 50 minute monologue about how he was a perfect match for me, complete with prints of his contributions to blogs to prove his politics were similar to mine (something I requested in my profile)and very poetic compliments about my beauty, intelligence, and desirability.
He proceeded to go into great detail about his history - professional and private, and how he would treat me as his partner. He explained everything like I couldn't understand what he was talking about without his elucidation. It all sounded great except for the part about where I never get to make a decision, speak, think for myself, or have an idea of my own. This guy would definitely be the expert in the family - he knew everything, just ask. Oh wait, you didn't even have to ask - he'd tell you anyway. By now there was a metaphorical axe hanging over this guy's head. Giving up my role as family expert would have been nearly impossible, that alone would have disqualified him.
I interrupted him long enough to look at my watch and make a grimace about the time - I had to go back to work - sorry. Yes, it was real nice, ok, maybe we could go to dinner some time - I looked up and to my horror, he was heading towards my mouth for a kiss! I quickly turned my head and he caught my cheek. He actually tried turning my face towards him to score on my lips with the second effort. I pulled away just in time and jogged to my parked car.
There was yet another voicemail waiting for me when I got home telling me how much he enjoyed meeting me. That evening there was a very long email full of poems to me and points about how we were such a great match. The next morning I sent my "Dear John" email - which I had now saved as a draft.
I was beginning to notice a pattern that reminded me of something. I had now met two men who were willing to turn themselves into pretzels just to be with me (their idea of me) and I couldn't get away from them fast enough. What was the pattern that was a smokey feeling in my memory? OMG! I had come face-to-face with my old me! I had an overwhelming feeling of sorrow for how sad I was and an equally overwhelming feeling of forgiveness for every man I'd met who didn't call me back or return my calls. I'd hated them all for leaving me and not loving me enough but now realized that they couldn't love me because I couldn't let them. I was too needy and clingy and traumatized, full of anger and fear. Just being with me was toxic and now I had a feel for what that must have been like. Those poor men! I forgave them and forgave myself for not knowing any better. I'd just been doing what I knew how to do, stubbing my toe and cursing the darkness as I stumbled around hoping to be rescued.
I spent the next couple of days wondering why I hadn't just told him "No!" "No" to the meeting, "no" to my cell phone number, "no" to the monologue, a huge "no" to the attempted kisses. If I had a right to ask for what I want, why did I still act like I couldn't say "NO"?
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Daily Discipline #8 Chapter 1 - Getting Started
This is the story if how I got back into the Dating Game: Redux. In the next few blogs, I'll share my story with you, because, in my experience, whether you're in the dating game, avoiding the dating game, or with your partner, there is always more to learn about how we do relationships. So buckle up your parachutes and get ready for the great leap of faith this requires.
Bright Idea: I'll enter my profile on a singles site. Alright, I've downloaded the photos my sister took in her back yard. Let's see, which of them makes me look the very best? Well, that one makes me look sleepy, and this one shows too much of my wrinkled chin and neck, and this one shows how fat my midriff is, my smile's a little goofy in this one, and, well, I've narrowed it down to three shots that are OK. I sure hope the right guy sees these and thinks I'm really hot!
Now I have to write just the right words in my profile - enough key words to create interest but not THAT kind of message so they won't think I'm too free and easy. How can I convey what I'm looking for in a partner without being too wordy, too quirky, too intellectual, too picky, or sounding sex-starved?
This is going to be tougher than I thought. Because words have such power for me, I have to dedicate lots of time to writing, editing, re-writing, and re-phrasing my message. You'd think I was writing my PhD thesis.
It has to be the real me but not too bold or too weak - me in moderation. (Who am I kidding? I don't even know the meaning of the word moderation!) I feel kind of like Goldilocks looking for the "just right" profile to attract my ideal man. Ahhh, I think I have it, so let's hit "post" and move forward answering all of these meaningless questions. They give you options that are close to what you would choose, but not ideal in my world of exact expression. Oh well, I'll have to settle for the ones that are closest to what I'd say if I could simply write it myself. (I think I now get it - why they give you multiple choice options instead of letting you give your own answer to some of this stuff - not everyone has trouble with defining EXACTLY what they mean, nor do they want to write their own answers. Those are not the men for me.)
So here's the profile I submitted first:
Seeking a man who's honest with himself - has looked inside and been willing to change what he thinks needs changing and love what he knows is genuine. I'm a spiritual woman who believes in a Higher Power and want someone who is the same. You must see the humor in life and be able to laugh. Please be playful and positive. Good conversation is essential - you don't have to be my best girlfriend, but enjoy a good conversation. And, finally - chemistry is important - gotta wanta kiss ya!
Sounds good to me. So after the first few responses where guys were saying "Yep! I sure want kiss you!" I thought maybe I was giving the wrong message. They weren't getting it - I have to want to kiss THEM!
Now comes the waiting game as I watch for emails from interested guys. There were a ton of computer generated matches, and a few flirts and emails from members started coming in. Let the games begin: email exchanges with those who sound (and look) like I'd want to know them better. After a series of email exchanges, they'd ask for my phone number. The one thing I have learned from being in this space in the past, is never to give my phone number to anyone - get their phone number and a good time to call, then block my number on caller ID and dial them. Have a minimum of two probing conversations with them before deciding to meet in a very public place.
Applying my fool proof formula: email exchanges, then a couple of phone conversations before a decision as to whether we should meet for coffee and I'm thinking "OK", this is progressing nicely. I have a few men I'm interested in meeting. One is a few hours out of my area and I inquire how he thinks he can keep a woman living several hours away from him happy in relationship, he bats that back to me with the answer that it's not a problem and he can make it work for the right woman. I agree to meet this pilot who has his own small airplane - only a 45 minute flight from house to house - piece of cake, huh?
He agrees to fly in from NV to meet me and spend an afternoon together. No pressure there - the guy's flying in to meet me and spend time with me! What if we take one look at each other and want to run in the other direction? Well, I'm grown up so I make it clear that this is JUST a meeting and that at any time either of us can say "this isn't working for me" and end it - right? He agrees, but keeps reassuring me that he's confident that we're meant for each other. I, however, am more skeptical - remember, I gotta feel the chemistry before I decide if I even want to know him at all.
D Day arrives - I'm nervous, but feel like I've been clear in my message - both written and verbal. Checking my look before departing: clothes, makeup, hair, and scent. OK, I look pretty good, so I walk out the door to meet him at the small airport about 25 minutes from my house. I'm excited, nervous with anticipation. I pull up in my car as he's tying down the plane and there stands an old man - in old man clothes, and old man shoes, and an old man attitude! Oh no! I want to tell him to untie his plane, start it up and run, but my good manners kick in and this message floats through my brain: Toni, he's only 2 years older than you, give this guy a chance, there may be a real great guy hidden in that old man. I approach him and smile as we walk to my car already certain that I DON'T wanta kiss him.
I get in, he gets in, then he reaches towards me saying "how 'bout that big kiss now?" OMG! I'm paralyzed with shock! He thinks my message means that he's going to get a big kiss from me when we meet. I look at him with dismay and say, "I don't kiss strangers. I have to get to know someone before I kiss him." He patiently reminds me that my profile says "gotta wanta kiss ya". Now I have to go through the explanation about what that means - exactly.
"I have to WANT to kiss YOU. I'll know that in the first few minutes after meeting you. IF I WANT to kiss you, then I'll want to get to know you before I actually plant my lips on yours." Needless to say, we were not off on the best of terms already and I'd only met him 5 minutes ago. I won't bore you with the rest of the details of this dismal date. He flew away, I ran home and added the word "I" to "gotta wanta kiss ya", sent him a "Dear John' email the next morning telling him what a nice time I'd had and too bad we weren't a match and wishing him the best in finding his perfect mate, blah, blah, blah. OK, I'm not disillusioned yet, that's one down - surely HE's right around the corner. Little did I know that I was just getting started...
Bright Idea: I'll enter my profile on a singles site. Alright, I've downloaded the photos my sister took in her back yard. Let's see, which of them makes me look the very best? Well, that one makes me look sleepy, and this one shows too much of my wrinkled chin and neck, and this one shows how fat my midriff is, my smile's a little goofy in this one, and, well, I've narrowed it down to three shots that are OK. I sure hope the right guy sees these and thinks I'm really hot!
Now I have to write just the right words in my profile - enough key words to create interest but not THAT kind of message so they won't think I'm too free and easy. How can I convey what I'm looking for in a partner without being too wordy, too quirky, too intellectual, too picky, or sounding sex-starved?
This is going to be tougher than I thought. Because words have such power for me, I have to dedicate lots of time to writing, editing, re-writing, and re-phrasing my message. You'd think I was writing my PhD thesis.
It has to be the real me but not too bold or too weak - me in moderation. (Who am I kidding? I don't even know the meaning of the word moderation!) I feel kind of like Goldilocks looking for the "just right" profile to attract my ideal man. Ahhh, I think I have it, so let's hit "post" and move forward answering all of these meaningless questions. They give you options that are close to what you would choose, but not ideal in my world of exact expression. Oh well, I'll have to settle for the ones that are closest to what I'd say if I could simply write it myself. (I think I now get it - why they give you multiple choice options instead of letting you give your own answer to some of this stuff - not everyone has trouble with defining EXACTLY what they mean, nor do they want to write their own answers. Those are not the men for me.)
So here's the profile I submitted first:
Seeking a man who's honest with himself - has looked inside and been willing to change what he thinks needs changing and love what he knows is genuine. I'm a spiritual woman who believes in a Higher Power and want someone who is the same. You must see the humor in life and be able to laugh. Please be playful and positive. Good conversation is essential - you don't have to be my best girlfriend, but enjoy a good conversation. And, finally - chemistry is important - gotta wanta kiss ya!
Sounds good to me. So after the first few responses where guys were saying "Yep! I sure want kiss you!" I thought maybe I was giving the wrong message. They weren't getting it - I have to want to kiss THEM!
Now comes the waiting game as I watch for emails from interested guys. There were a ton of computer generated matches, and a few flirts and emails from members started coming in. Let the games begin: email exchanges with those who sound (and look) like I'd want to know them better. After a series of email exchanges, they'd ask for my phone number. The one thing I have learned from being in this space in the past, is never to give my phone number to anyone - get their phone number and a good time to call, then block my number on caller ID and dial them. Have a minimum of two probing conversations with them before deciding to meet in a very public place.
Applying my fool proof formula: email exchanges, then a couple of phone conversations before a decision as to whether we should meet for coffee and I'm thinking "OK", this is progressing nicely. I have a few men I'm interested in meeting. One is a few hours out of my area and I inquire how he thinks he can keep a woman living several hours away from him happy in relationship, he bats that back to me with the answer that it's not a problem and he can make it work for the right woman. I agree to meet this pilot who has his own small airplane - only a 45 minute flight from house to house - piece of cake, huh?
He agrees to fly in from NV to meet me and spend an afternoon together. No pressure there - the guy's flying in to meet me and spend time with me! What if we take one look at each other and want to run in the other direction? Well, I'm grown up so I make it clear that this is JUST a meeting and that at any time either of us can say "this isn't working for me" and end it - right? He agrees, but keeps reassuring me that he's confident that we're meant for each other. I, however, am more skeptical - remember, I gotta feel the chemistry before I decide if I even want to know him at all.
D Day arrives - I'm nervous, but feel like I've been clear in my message - both written and verbal. Checking my look before departing: clothes, makeup, hair, and scent. OK, I look pretty good, so I walk out the door to meet him at the small airport about 25 minutes from my house. I'm excited, nervous with anticipation. I pull up in my car as he's tying down the plane and there stands an old man - in old man clothes, and old man shoes, and an old man attitude! Oh no! I want to tell him to untie his plane, start it up and run, but my good manners kick in and this message floats through my brain: Toni, he's only 2 years older than you, give this guy a chance, there may be a real great guy hidden in that old man. I approach him and smile as we walk to my car already certain that I DON'T wanta kiss him.
I get in, he gets in, then he reaches towards me saying "how 'bout that big kiss now?" OMG! I'm paralyzed with shock! He thinks my message means that he's going to get a big kiss from me when we meet. I look at him with dismay and say, "I don't kiss strangers. I have to get to know someone before I kiss him." He patiently reminds me that my profile says "gotta wanta kiss ya". Now I have to go through the explanation about what that means - exactly.
"I have to WANT to kiss YOU. I'll know that in the first few minutes after meeting you. IF I WANT to kiss you, then I'll want to get to know you before I actually plant my lips on yours." Needless to say, we were not off on the best of terms already and I'd only met him 5 minutes ago. I won't bore you with the rest of the details of this dismal date. He flew away, I ran home and added the word "I" to "gotta wanta kiss ya", sent him a "Dear John' email the next morning telling him what a nice time I'd had and too bad we weren't a match and wishing him the best in finding his perfect mate, blah, blah, blah. OK, I'm not disillusioned yet, that's one down - surely HE's right around the corner. Little did I know that I was just getting started...
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