Softening around balance in my life is still a challenge at times (though as a sign of my progress, not nearly as often as it used to be). Being on the harder edge of each extreme in my emotions is sometimes still my initial reaction to people and situations - so I'm very grateful to learn how to get to that softer in-between where I have clearer perspective and choices. Life doesn't have to be either/or every time. Learning the difference between when it's necessary to be in my either/or place (important when it comes to boundaries regarding my personal integrity) or move into my softer, safer response and let go of the reaction.
When I dig deeper and move out of denial I often run to the other extreme and a need to immediately fix whatever "it" is - person or situation. It's interesting to learn about the many options available to me when I soften and seek balance. With the light of love held high I am charting the territory between "MUST Deny" and "MUST Fix".
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Daily Discipline Day #5
What's hiding in anger? Anger is such a quick, reactive emotion for me. In my dedication to living my life in conscious awareness - responding to life rather than reacting to it - I've learned to go deeper than the immediate anger that flares up in situations where I feel disappointed. A couple of things I've begun to understand are: the anger covers something older and is usually related to heretofore unidentified expectations. I've begun to allow my anger to burn through to what's hiding inside me.
Recently anger was my first reaction to feeling disappointed because I had expectations about my time with a significant man in my life. When those expectations weren't met, I reacted with anger. It was hot, instant, and completely out of proportion to the situation. Voila! Hidden under the anger was an older feeling of fear that he was abandoning me because I was unlovable. I'm still dismayed by how easily I slip into that most primal of feelings: fear that I'm not worthy of love from myself and others.
It takes me less and less time to move through my initial feelings of anger and into a clearer understanding of what's REALLY going on. Like the rubble in the aftermath of a disaster, I must uncover the truth, one piece at a time. I'm so grateful for the insights I've learned from being willing to go in search of the buried "stuff' in my life. These "truth treasures" are waiting to be revealed if we're willing to dig for them. Be courageous - go on your own personal treasure hunt - priceless gems are awaiting your light...
Recently anger was my first reaction to feeling disappointed because I had expectations about my time with a significant man in my life. When those expectations weren't met, I reacted with anger. It was hot, instant, and completely out of proportion to the situation. Voila! Hidden under the anger was an older feeling of fear that he was abandoning me because I was unlovable. I'm still dismayed by how easily I slip into that most primal of feelings: fear that I'm not worthy of love from myself and others.
It takes me less and less time to move through my initial feelings of anger and into a clearer understanding of what's REALLY going on. Like the rubble in the aftermath of a disaster, I must uncover the truth, one piece at a time. I'm so grateful for the insights I've learned from being willing to go in search of the buried "stuff' in my life. These "truth treasures" are waiting to be revealed if we're willing to dig for them. Be courageous - go on your own personal treasure hunt - priceless gems are awaiting your light...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Daily Discipline Day 4
I'm sitting at my computer with a mix of music from an eclectic assortment of artists that I have enjoyed over the past six decades of my life. It reminds me that I am also eclectic - a multifaceted woman who has a full range of personalities, talents, experiences, and emotions. My music choices represent so many artists from Beethoven to The Boss. Music can calm me or energize me - let's see, do I want to relax or do I want to dance around the house while I'm cleaning? Am I preparing for meditation? Do I want background music while I work? Do I want to feel the energy of AC/DC - raw and wild? Do I feel like the gentle sounds of Nancy Griffith or Emmy Lou Harris?
Sometimes I want to simply hear the music, but more often I want the lyrics and the music. The power of a phrase - the poetry of lyrics stuns me. It's how I know that it's a divine gift to have the genius to create such a powerful message with so few words.
With an open mind my music choices are without limits - just like life choices when I keep an open heart and stay connected to HP! How lucky we are to have so many choices - yes we are lucky beyond measure...
Sometimes I want to simply hear the music, but more often I want the lyrics and the music. The power of a phrase - the poetry of lyrics stuns me. It's how I know that it's a divine gift to have the genius to create such a powerful message with so few words.
With an open mind my music choices are without limits - just like life choices when I keep an open heart and stay connected to HP! How lucky we are to have so many choices - yes we are lucky beyond measure...
Friday, January 15, 2010
Daily Discipline Day #3
Yippee! It's Friday! I love Fridays because it's the day before my weekend begins and I love the freedom that weekends give me - even if I have a TON of things to do, it's not the scheduled time sitting at my desk working. I blogged about this "weekend freedom" in an earlier blog last year and here it is again. One of my intentions for 2010 is to clear out any obstacles in the way of earning my living doing what I love.
This is THE day! This 15th of January is the most powerful day to set our intentions and ask the Universe for what we want - and I'm affirming my intentions with an open heart deeply connected to my Divine Light. I invite you to do the same - find your voice and take the risk of asking for what you want...
This is THE day! This 15th of January is the most powerful day to set our intentions and ask the Universe for what we want - and I'm affirming my intentions with an open heart deeply connected to my Divine Light. I invite you to do the same - find your voice and take the risk of asking for what you want...
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Daily Discipline - Day 2
So here I am on Day #2 of my commitment to blog daily for 90 days - creating a new habit.
My women's group last night was phenomenal. We dove deeper into our connection with that basic element of resilient power - dark and light - emerging as one light divinely guided.
It reminded me of a ceremony held by a group of women who follow Native American traditions - Women of the 14th Moon. Being honored as a "Crone" was so special and I wrote this poem as my contribution:
Going to the Well
My Journey takes me to the well - to look over the edge - into the abyss
Beyond what my head tells me - impractical but real, this need to draw the salty water up from the depths of my loss...
The keening
The wailing
The rocking
The tears.
Yet another death - the death of the needs of a child daughter.
Death of a mother's need to pull life around her like warm covers;
To fluff the pillows of her experience with love and laughter;
Smiling at her everyday miracles
Knowing she carries the well within her.
She knows it - there's a dark recognition in her eyes - an awareness of the bottomless depths.
Her dreams, her tears are ancient
Bearing the losses of all our women, all our daughters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters;
All the unshed tears - the salty water of grief and loss
The salty water that ebbs and flows and pulls us to the well.
The salty water of joy, birth, death, loss, love, grief, ecstasy
Heated by anger and grief
Cooled by love and acceptance.
As we push/pull our way to the well
Carrying our baskets of love, life, joy, fear,and anger
We cover the darkness of loss and grief with a veil of competence.
Do we see?
Is our path well lit?
Do we stumble?
Do we find our way with the seeing eyes of our ancestors?
Do we heal?
Do we love?
Do we cry,moan, wail, keen, rock as we draw from the well?
Do we honor the salty water with joy and courage?
My women's group last night was phenomenal. We dove deeper into our connection with that basic element of resilient power - dark and light - emerging as one light divinely guided.
It reminded me of a ceremony held by a group of women who follow Native American traditions - Women of the 14th Moon. Being honored as a "Crone" was so special and I wrote this poem as my contribution:
Going to the Well
My Journey takes me to the well - to look over the edge - into the abyss
Beyond what my head tells me - impractical but real, this need to draw the salty water up from the depths of my loss...
The keening
The wailing
The rocking
The tears.
Yet another death - the death of the needs of a child daughter.
Death of a mother's need to pull life around her like warm covers;
To fluff the pillows of her experience with love and laughter;
Smiling at her everyday miracles
Knowing she carries the well within her.
She knows it - there's a dark recognition in her eyes - an awareness of the bottomless depths.
Her dreams, her tears are ancient
Bearing the losses of all our women, all our daughters, mothers, aunts, grandmothers, sisters;
All the unshed tears - the salty water of grief and loss
The salty water that ebbs and flows and pulls us to the well.
The salty water of joy, birth, death, loss, love, grief, ecstasy
Heated by anger and grief
Cooled by love and acceptance.
As we push/pull our way to the well
Carrying our baskets of love, life, joy, fear,and anger
We cover the darkness of loss and grief with a veil of competence.
Do we see?
Is our path well lit?
Do we stumble?
Do we find our way with the seeing eyes of our ancestors?
Do we heal?
Do we love?
Do we cry,moan, wail, keen, rock as we draw from the well?
Do we honor the salty water with joy and courage?
We visited the well last night and expressed our gratitude for all of the healing we have achieved through our willingness to shine the light in the darkness of what we want to name and therefore, change...
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Daily Disciplines
OK, 2010 is the year when I learn the practice of daily discipline with my writing. I know I can do it because I've done it with my eating - a dragon I never thought I could slay! I've heard that it takes 90 days to make a new habit of something, so my intention is to blog daily for 90 days and see where it takes me.
I'm prepared for some good stuff, some lousy stuff, some short stuff, and some novellas. This will be my writer's stream of consciousness - taking the way I speak into the way I write. I intend to learn plenty and hopefully, so will anyone who takes the time to read the personal meanderings through my mind and life.
A sponsor of mine once told me that nobody should be allowed to wander through their own mind unescorted, so I'm taking this journey with a prayer to the Universe to guide me and shed light on the dark, fertile stuff where we learn the essentials of who we are. Are you courageous enough to take my hand and join me? Yummmm, I'm excited on this auspicious day one - more tomorrow...
I'm prepared for some good stuff, some lousy stuff, some short stuff, and some novellas. This will be my writer's stream of consciousness - taking the way I speak into the way I write. I intend to learn plenty and hopefully, so will anyone who takes the time to read the personal meanderings through my mind and life.
A sponsor of mine once told me that nobody should be allowed to wander through their own mind unescorted, so I'm taking this journey with a prayer to the Universe to guide me and shed light on the dark, fertile stuff where we learn the essentials of who we are. Are you courageous enough to take my hand and join me? Yummmm, I'm excited on this auspicious day one - more tomorrow...
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Weighing Anchor...
I'm back!
I recently became aware that for some "unknown" rationale I have not moved into my house. I moved here two years ago and have claimed some of it, but for many reasons, I have not unpacked and personalized several rooms.
Most of my life has been spent (Ah ha! - "spent" because, yes, life is currency!) in temporary mode - on the way to something else. I constantly put my life on hold. "My life will be great when I'm a size 6 and have thick, straight hair." "I'll get the right (insert: job, life, man, outfit, body, attention, fame, success, income, etc) when I'm thin. "I can live like this until I get something better."
I felt so rooted to my Ben Lomond home - like many generations of my family had been there before me - even though I'd never seen it prior to buying it in 1999. In 2007 I sold it and bought a home in Folsom so I could have more family time and connection. It was a long, painful decision-making process. I realized that it was more important WHO I was with than WHERE I lived. But part of me hasn't moved here yet.
I now know that I need to have my home in my heart. My roots need to be in my beliefs, not in a place or condition. It's my connection to my beliefs and people I love that enriches my life and gives me joy. So I shifted my image of needing permanent, immovable roots to feel safe and secure. I recognized that I came into this life equipped with an anchor, one that I can cast out wherever I happen to be. My anchor holds me steady and serves me whenever I need it. It's portable and always available. My anchor is my faith that everything I need will come - that I can make my home beautiful and claim my space even if I don't spend the rest of my life here.
As I drifted away from blogging regularly I began to feel the deep sense of having no anchor to hold me safe and steady. I realized that, like my connection to my family and friends, my writing is an anchor for me - it helps me feel safe. I'm feeling safer already...
I recently became aware that for some "unknown" rationale I have not moved into my house. I moved here two years ago and have claimed some of it, but for many reasons, I have not unpacked and personalized several rooms.
Most of my life has been spent (Ah ha! - "spent" because, yes, life is currency!) in temporary mode - on the way to something else. I constantly put my life on hold. "My life will be great when I'm a size 6 and have thick, straight hair." "I'll get the right (insert: job, life, man, outfit, body, attention, fame, success, income, etc) when I'm thin. "I can live like this until I get something better."
I felt so rooted to my Ben Lomond home - like many generations of my family had been there before me - even though I'd never seen it prior to buying it in 1999. In 2007 I sold it and bought a home in Folsom so I could have more family time and connection. It was a long, painful decision-making process. I realized that it was more important WHO I was with than WHERE I lived. But part of me hasn't moved here yet.
I now know that I need to have my home in my heart. My roots need to be in my beliefs, not in a place or condition. It's my connection to my beliefs and people I love that enriches my life and gives me joy. So I shifted my image of needing permanent, immovable roots to feel safe and secure. I recognized that I came into this life equipped with an anchor, one that I can cast out wherever I happen to be. My anchor holds me steady and serves me whenever I need it. It's portable and always available. My anchor is my faith that everything I need will come - that I can make my home beautiful and claim my space even if I don't spend the rest of my life here.
As I drifted away from blogging regularly I began to feel the deep sense of having no anchor to hold me safe and steady. I realized that, like my connection to my family and friends, my writing is an anchor for me - it helps me feel safe. I'm feeling safer already...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
